Major Mom Fail

Boy! This morning was a major mom fail day. Couldn't sleep last night and so when I finally fell asleep this morning, I slept through my normal quiet, prayer (not so quiet), journal and Bible time. I awoke to a screaming baby and loudness coming from fun with my five year old and husband in the bathroom. 

ARRRGGGGHHH!!!!

A volcano of negative feelings, irritation and annoyance erupted from my heart into my mind. It was a fight all morning with my kids, with my attitude and my unwillingness to relent, sit down, take a breath and talk to God.

I didn't start my day out right

You ever have one of those kind of days? I think we all do. So in the car, on the way to school, I knew we all needed a do over. 

Did you know that God gives do overs?

He does! Asking to be your Lord and Savior is a huge do over. However, we still make mistakes. We are not perfect. So, knowing us, He gives us more do overs. Lamentations 3:22-23 says, "Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." So even though I was consumed because I was tapped into a source full of all the wrong stuff, (myself), when I took a moment to tap into the right source, (God), I wasn't consumed anymore.

On the way to school, I asked for forgiveness and a do over. In our house, when you need a do over, we pretend to sleep and then wake up because "his mercies are new every morning". From that point on, everything was different. 

Thank you God for your many morning do overs!

I (dis)like Big But's....

There is nothing in this world that drives me more crazy than our use of the word "but". There are appropriate uses of the word. I am totally cool with that. However, (see how I didn't use "but" though that use would be appropriate) it is when it is used in statements that no one should make and apologies and especially by people who love Jesus that it bothers me. What bothers me even more is I DO IT ALL THE TIME!!! BLURG!!!! With my husband, with my kids, with my friends....BLURG! I hate that in me.

So let me rant!

Why don't we look at some examples. All of which I have done.

"I am so sorry I took your doll, but I wanted to play with it."  Um...no you are not sorry. You just negated your apology. You wanted the doll and so you took it.

"I know I shouldn't say this, but she looks ugly." If you know you shouldn't say it, then don't!

My absolute favorite!

"I know I shouldn't tell you this, but GOSSIP GOSSIP JUICY GOSSIP. Just don't tell anyone." BLURG!!!! There are one hundred things wrong with that.

I think life would be so much better if we just got rid of all the "but's". They are usually either things we should not say, excuses, negative junk that doesn't help anyone and again, stuff we just shouldn't say anyway.

However, I think God may have given us the word to give us pause. 1 Corinthians 10:13 says "No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." Maybe we need to see the word "but" as a way out. An opportunity to stop talking. And as listeners, when we hear that "but", either stop that person or if they stop we need to support their way out. Let's help a brutha or sista not sin...you know what I'm saying?!?

One the the first verses I ever memorize was Matthew 12:34. The newest NIV speaks it even clearer. "You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of."

So is your heart full of big "but's"?

Hold on tight! Your ship is going down!

I love Acts 27 through 28. There is something so incredibly awesome and miraculous about these two chapters that every time I read them, I am just pumped up by how God moves and works through people, for people, in people, etc. This morning, I was reading about Paul sailing to Rome in Acts 27 and how God showed him favor to have time to be built up and provided for by his friends even though he was under Roman guard. It's like the beginning of a sweet movie. I can even here the beautiful symphonic melody that would got with it. But as they sail, they lose time due to dangerous conditions. The conflict enters. Paul warns them, this sailing adventure it going to be disastrous! But a gentle wind comes and they feel like, 'Hey, no disaster here! This is what we need. Let's sail!"

Here come the storm!

The ship is battered. They are throwing stuff overboard. It looks like it's going to end really bad. Luke, the writer of Acts says this, "...we finally gave up all hope of being saved." WE! He too felt like there was no hope.
But God does something awesome in the midst of this ridiculousness. He gives everyone on the boat, sailor, prisoner, centurion, soldier and everyone else and incredible encouraging word. The climax.

"But now I urge you to keep up your courage, because not one of you will be lost; only the ship will be destroyed." Acts 27:22

But the storm is still raging...

It still doesn't look like things are getting better. Sailor even try to sneak off the ship in life boats. I could imagine the fear. 'If we stay...we will die!" But just as they are plot of escape is revealed, Paul does something incredible. They eat together. They have communion and it says, "They were all encouraged..." 276 people were saved on that boat. They all made it to shore. The dénouement...until Paul gets bitten by a vipe. That's for another day.

Why do I love this story so much? Because it is a great reminder that when the storm is happening, God sees me in the midst of it and gives me exactly what I need to endure it. The ship may go down. The cargo maybe seemingly lost. It may look like disaster has hit. However, He has me in His grip and if I chose to see Him, seek Him in the midst of it, He will give the provisions to make it to land.

Monkey See...Monkey Do!

As we were eating breakfast, my four and three quarter daughter Penny turns to me and lets out the biggest burp I may have ever heard. She looked at me and began to laugh and continue to talk. As I reminded her that ladies cover their mouths and say excuse me, she bellows out, "Excuse me!" and continues to laugh while proceed to try not to.

Where did she get these terrible manners? 

Her dad! It has to be. In my mind, I have squarely placed on our end-of-the-day conversation this very topic. We will stop this asap!
Later in the day, as I am cleaning off the table at lunch, Penny asked me to be excuse from the table. I look at her and release the second largest belch and realized...

She learned it from me!

Boogers!

So the mom failure set in. She will never be a true proper lady. She will never dine with Kings and Queens. Yes, I am very dramatic!

But then I remembered something. Every morning, early in the morning I take my quiet time. I journal, read my Bible and pray. I usually do this in my dad's large green throne chair that faces the steps that lead to the bedrooms. Several times Penny has seen me there as she goes to the bathroom and asked me what I was doing. Yesterday morning was no different morning. She welcomed me with a "Good Morning" and proceeded to the bathroom. As I finished with an incredibly long journal entry, I went to her room and found her in bed 'reading' (well, she can't read yet but she has memorized) her Bible. She asked me what I was reading and what I learned and I joined her for giggles, reading the Word and life lessons.

Remember that drug awareness commercial from the 80's. Well, most likely you may or may not. I am a well of random information but here it is...

This is a biblical point. Well, not the drug part of course. Proverbs 22:6 says, "Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it." A big part of that is being the example to our kids. They see "EVERYTHING" and hear "EVERYTHING" we do. Then mimic our actions, reactions, words, etc.

So my sweet baby may not have the nuances of dining etiquette yet, but she definitely is getting what really will counts. 

Happy New Year Means...

I remember years ago looking forward to the beginning of a new year. Oh, I would change so much; start a diet, start an exercise program, exert more self control, read more, etc... But as I became more involved with God and recovery, I started to really see what I saw in January 1st. I saw it as a magical day that would bring about a new day of change. Change that could only happen in new year. With the turning over of the numbers, my whole life would change. All the bad choices and horrible things I did would be sealed in a record of that year and I could become a new person.

It was hogwash

What would happen is that I would change for a day, maybe even two, maybe even a month but I would go back to the same terrible diet, no workout, lack of self control, stop reading, etc... I would be the same old me with the same old stuff from the year before. Nothing change with the magical rollover of the calendar year. I was the same me.

Why?

Because there is no true reason to change. No inciting action with depth. No true power. Dr. Henry Cloud says this, “We change our behavior when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing. Consequences give us the pain that motivates us to change.” Really, until we meet the bottom of ourselves, we don't change. 

Ok, that is not very encouraging, is it? Aren't we supposed to edify and encourage each other. To spur each other on. Well, yes...but hold on...it's coming...

In my recovery in codependency, God, my program and my sponsor gave me some incredible tools to help me get to the bottom, to the end of me so that I could have freedom. I use these tools to this day, sometimes every second of the day. These tools guided me to this...

What is really at the bottom of ourselves is God. He is what makes the change.

If I want to change, I need to make God the agent of my change. He needs to be intimately inserted in my change to make it concrete because I can do nothing without Him. 

So what were those tools? Here are some...

The number one tool is prayer. Jesus says a lot of amazing things on this but I do love this...

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. Matthew 7:7-8

The Serenity Prayer is great for this. It says it all for me when I am struggling or so locked up in my brain that I have no idea how or what to pray. 

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next. 

Reinhold Niebuhr

Intimacy with God is huge. If you are a 12 stepper, it is the essence and heart of Step 11. So, how do you know God and know him better? Prayer and reading His word, the Bible. I remember the words of my friend Shatha several years ago challenging me on this. "If you are a christian and haven't read the Bible, how do you know what you truly believe?" If you haven't, it's time. And if you have, you need to read it again. Hebrews 4:12 says,

"For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart."

What does that mean? It means that when you read the Bible, you will be challenged and you will see how, what and why God wants us to be, do, say, act, etc...

Journaling. My journal is my toilet. It is were I put the poop of my life. I write it down because it needs to get out of me before it manifests into something it should not be like anger or resentment. It helps me figure out what is really going on in my head and heart. 

Accountability. You want change you gotta get real with folks and tell someone so they can hold you accountable. My accountability is my vault. I tell her the darkest stuff in me so that God's light can shine on it and make it new. 

Really, I believe that when it comes to the bad habits and things that hold us back in life, God wants us to have success. He wants us to overcome these things because they hold us back from God. And guess what? These changes can happen any day...not just on January 1st!

First Let Me...

“Mommy, first let me put the babies to bed. Then I will put on my shoes.”

It is a trend that I have heard lately from my four year old daughter. ‘Mommy, let me….then I’ll do what you ask’. As a mom who is working on first time obedience, honestly this phrase wears me out. I usually follow it with, ‘No, do as I ask then you can do whatever it is you are trying to do now.’

First time obedience is something I dearly want my daughters to learn. Not just because it will save me many headaches in the future...praise Jesus, but because if they get this, understand this and embed this into their lives, their relationship with Jesus will be so different.

Let’s look at it this way…

As a parents, my husband and I are a kind of archetype of God to our kids. Their view of God is formulated based on how I treat, interact, love, discipline, etc. Yikes, typing that  is a little scary but it is the way that God created us. Regardless of if we have kids or not, we are to be the example of Him not only to our family but our neighbors...that is everybody else.

Feel the pressure yet?!?

So when God of the universe stopped doing His, you know God of the universe stuff and asked me to do something, shouldn’t I have first time obedience and do it right away.

Delayed Obedience Is Disobedience

Luke 9:62 Jesus says, “...“No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.”’

What does that mean?

It means that when Jesus calls you do something, you better drop what you’re doing and do as He asks. Not just because He knows what’s best for you but so you don’t miss out on the incredible blessing He wants to do through you. And also so you can avoid a spiritual spanking.

Yet not my will but my will

""Abba, Father," he said, "everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will." Mark 14:36

Hi, my name is Veronica and I struggle with compulsive eating.
It's hard to share this for some reason. I have been in recovery for seven years. I have focused on a program of putting Jesus first and working through my codependency. If you came to a Celebrate Recovery open share group with me, you would hear me identify myself as a grateful believer struggling with codependency and compulsive overeating. But after finding myself binging on all the Easter candy the week BEFORE Easter, I realized that I haven't been working a program of recovery for my food addiction....ever! I tried to make myself believe I have. If you cannot define abstinence is you area of recovery, then you are not working as program. It has been all about "my will God, not yours". At Easter, a time where dying to myself should be even clearer than ever, I found myself wrapped in shame, guilt an unmanageability.

It's time for me to really die to myself.

On that night, Jesus knew what was going to happen. He was grieved. He was going to die. But He chose God's will over His. How willing am I to do this? God's will for me is not to worship food. It's not to be in full withdrawal or overcome with cravings for a cookie. His will for me freedom.

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." Galatians 5:1

Food is my "again" yoke. 

In my heart, I know the conversation has been like this...
Me: But look God, I have given you most of me. Pert near 99%. I just want food to be mine. That's all.
God: I want all of you Veronica.
Me: Ok, but I will just keep this.
God: All means all. Don't you think I want what's better for you?

I understand addiction in a deeper way now. And it seems embarrassing to admit but I know that transparency can bring new life.

Step One: I am powerless over food and my life has become unmanageable.

God, I want to give you all. I'm done with doing it my way. You want what is better for me than I could ever want for myself.
Your will, not mine.