This morning was a rough morning. Normally, I like to get up, read the Word and pray. Spending time with God always starts my day of right. This morning, that did not happen.
I found myself in a grumbling place. If you have ever read Exodus in the NIV, I think the word "grumbling" is used about a bajillion times. Yeah, I said bajillion. And I was in full HALT...Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired. HALT. I wasn't a pleasant person to be around this morning. Frustrated because things and my family weren't going my way. Trying to impose MY WILL on them. Expecting my poor husband to crawl inside my head and understand my needs. Needless to say, I wasn't nice...I was grumbly! And I was wearing myself out. Physically, I was exhausted, hence the T in HALT.
My perfection was seizing every part of my body and my being. No joy could infiltrate my heart. And God couldn't either. You see, allowing God to work through you is a choice. I can choose to allow God to fill me. I can choose to see things through His eyes. I can choose to call on the Holy Spirit to help and guide me. I chose to seek my own desires. I chose to live in my flesh. I chose to be my own strength. And when that happens, guess what? I fail. Philippians doesn't say I can do all things through me who gives me strength. Oh no! Romans 7:18 reminds me that "...nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good but cannot carry it out." And boy is that true. Instead Philippians says, "I can do ALL things through Christ who give me strength".
So usually on these days I take a redo. Since the LORD's compassions are new everyday (Lamentations 3:22-24) and every moment, I restart the day. I make my amends, pretend my alarm goes off. Press the off button and start over. I am so grateful for that!
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
Spaghetti, again?
So, about a week ago God spoke to my heart and called me out. He convicted me regarding my spending. In our household, we have a really tight budget...I mean really tight! But whenever there is extra money, I will go to Kohl's and get something. Yes, I totally LOVE Kohl's. Well, I think I have been doing a little too much retail therapy, spending any extra dollar that we have on my needs and not thinking at all of the needs of my family. I have been wrapped up in selfishness.
Well, God called me to a spending fast.
Fasts are so hard for me. I recognize they are hard for everyone. If they were easy, they wouldn't be a fast. But my self control is awful. It is so bad that I know that it keeps me from God. However, whenever I have fasted, it has been eye opening and amazing. Why? Because that thing that keeps me from God is removed and I draw even more closer to him.
So, spending fast, here I go. And guess what? It has been amazing to see God's provision for me. I am floored by it. It has actually saved us. My last paycheck was very tight. I mean really tight! Because of the fast, I had just enough money to cover the bills with 97 cents left. But, uh oh, no grocery money. Can I tell you about the manna found in our garage. Tomato sauce, tomato paste and spaghetti. My mom more than likely bought it the last time she came out to visit. We have had spaghetti every night this week. And for lunch, tuna fish. We have tons of tuna fish and canned fruit in our pantry. What's even better is that Dan and I are currently in Genesis and with example of the Israelites, we have worked hard to see God's provision rather than "grumble" as they did. And they did a lot of it!
We could have pulled money from our savings but it was our decision not to do so. We knew that God would provide and that we were not supposed to touch that money. Only for emergencies. Even God made loaves and fishes of Penny's formula.
And what's better is God blessed us with some other meals as well. One day Dan's boss bought him Carl's Jr. Another day, one of the ladies in the office had a left over pan of chicken enchiladas that the office enjoyed. And today, I was at a meeting at we had Fausto's. I am totally basking in God's goodness.
Tomorrow Dan gets paid so our household will be somewhat back to normal. But if God asked me to, I would eat spaghetti again for another week. The lesson of provision He has taught us has been overwhelming.
I am still in my spending fast. No items outside of our family groceries and needs and I am feeling really good. God's blessings are not lost on us. We are shouting his praises!
Well, God called me to a spending fast.
Fasts are so hard for me. I recognize they are hard for everyone. If they were easy, they wouldn't be a fast. But my self control is awful. It is so bad that I know that it keeps me from God. However, whenever I have fasted, it has been eye opening and amazing. Why? Because that thing that keeps me from God is removed and I draw even more closer to him.
So, spending fast, here I go. And guess what? It has been amazing to see God's provision for me. I am floored by it. It has actually saved us. My last paycheck was very tight. I mean really tight! Because of the fast, I had just enough money to cover the bills with 97 cents left. But, uh oh, no grocery money. Can I tell you about the manna found in our garage. Tomato sauce, tomato paste and spaghetti. My mom more than likely bought it the last time she came out to visit. We have had spaghetti every night this week. And for lunch, tuna fish. We have tons of tuna fish and canned fruit in our pantry. What's even better is that Dan and I are currently in Genesis and with example of the Israelites, we have worked hard to see God's provision rather than "grumble" as they did. And they did a lot of it!
We could have pulled money from our savings but it was our decision not to do so. We knew that God would provide and that we were not supposed to touch that money. Only for emergencies. Even God made loaves and fishes of Penny's formula.
And what's better is God blessed us with some other meals as well. One day Dan's boss bought him Carl's Jr. Another day, one of the ladies in the office had a left over pan of chicken enchiladas that the office enjoyed. And today, I was at a meeting at we had Fausto's. I am totally basking in God's goodness.
Tomorrow Dan gets paid so our household will be somewhat back to normal. But if God asked me to, I would eat spaghetti again for another week. The lesson of provision He has taught us has been overwhelming.
I am still in my spending fast. No items outside of our family groceries and needs and I am feeling really good. God's blessings are not lost on us. We are shouting his praises!
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Feelings...Nothing more than Feelings...
Food and feelings go hand in hand when you have food issues. So why as I am doing my daily inventory (that is looking back on the day to do a check of my feelings, events and how I was treated or treated other people. It's a CR thing) do I see a glaring feeling/food event that I totally missed.
When I do my daily inventory, I replay the day in my mind, much like a SportsCenter play by play. As I am going through it, I come to a moment that was very touching. I felt myself wanting to cry and then I pick up a cupcake and stuff it in my face...yes, I stuff it IN MY FACE. A cupcake, for me, that normally takes five to six bites only needed two. YIKES! And what followed? The need to cry was gone. Never have I had such a glaring and tangibly vivid look at myself. And as I replayed it over and over. I could almost hear the play by play, "...and Moorhead picks up the cupcake and eats it. Oh, no! Stike out! I wouldn't be in the locker room after this one." And it became more characterized until finally it was in slow mo. Wow! In that moment, I stuffed myself with a cupcake instead of seeking God and more importantly, feeling my feelings.
Psalm 81:9-10 says
You shall have no foreign god among you;
you shall not bow down to an alien god.
I am the LORD your God,
who brought you up out of Egypt.
Open wide your mouth and I will fill it.
God says open wide your mouth and I will fill it. In my "power" I filled myself with empty calories and a taste that lasts for a moment. A stimulus that does not last. Instead of a divine stimulus that not only lasts but fills.
I needed this moment. I needed a replay that I could vividly remember. A moment that was small and insignificant to others that is of greater importance to me and my relationship with God. You see, it's those moments that matter. Not so much the ones where I am on the floor, pigging out on McDonald's because I had a hard day. It's the smaller, insignificant moments that lead up to those binges!
So I move forward with a greater awareness, my eyes open and a heart ready to be filled by God.
When I do my daily inventory, I replay the day in my mind, much like a SportsCenter play by play. As I am going through it, I come to a moment that was very touching. I felt myself wanting to cry and then I pick up a cupcake and stuff it in my face...yes, I stuff it IN MY FACE. A cupcake, for me, that normally takes five to six bites only needed two. YIKES! And what followed? The need to cry was gone. Never have I had such a glaring and tangibly vivid look at myself. And as I replayed it over and over. I could almost hear the play by play, "...and Moorhead picks up the cupcake and eats it. Oh, no! Stike out! I wouldn't be in the locker room after this one." And it became more characterized until finally it was in slow mo. Wow! In that moment, I stuffed myself with a cupcake instead of seeking God and more importantly, feeling my feelings.
Psalm 81:9-10 says
You shall have no foreign god among you;
you shall not bow down to an alien god.
I am the LORD your God,
who brought you up out of Egypt.
Open wide your mouth and I will fill it.
God says open wide your mouth and I will fill it. In my "power" I filled myself with empty calories and a taste that lasts for a moment. A stimulus that does not last. Instead of a divine stimulus that not only lasts but fills.
I needed this moment. I needed a replay that I could vividly remember. A moment that was small and insignificant to others that is of greater importance to me and my relationship with God. You see, it's those moments that matter. Not so much the ones where I am on the floor, pigging out on McDonald's because I had a hard day. It's the smaller, insignificant moments that lead up to those binges!
So I move forward with a greater awareness, my eyes open and a heart ready to be filled by God.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Nakedness can be a good thing
I am on the worship team for Celebrate Recovery at our church and I totally love it! I love to serve God with my voice, a gift that I used to hate and was embarrassed of. Worship is amazing because it time for us to just praise God and thank Him for everything. It is selfless and full of humility. You can't praise God and praise yourself.
Well, if you know me, you know that I am a cryer. I will cry the moment I see someone's eye get red or I am touched.
It wasn't always that way. As a perfectionist, I stuffed a lot of my feelings. I wouldn't dare show you how I felt. Now, I just can't help it. God spoke to my heart and said, "I am going to humiliate you" and since then, I cry...A LOT!
I was reading Exodus 20 and read something that I must have missed the other times I have read it. At the end of chapter, God tells Moses about altars. He says that need to be made of undressed stones. And then God says "And do not go up to my altar on steps, lest your nakedness be exposed on it." This blew me away.
I read it over and over. This altar needed to be undressed stones because if Moses carved them, then it would be about Moses and his carving ability and how artistic he is. Not showing God's artistry. He made them after all. His artistry is amazing.
Then the steps. Sometimes when I worship, that is exactly how I feel. Completely naked. Completely exposed. And when I am really crying out to God and He moves in a powerful way, I cry. Hard. Five years ago I would be mortified. Ashamed. Angry. But what a blessing to expose all for Him. He warns us. "lest your nakedness be exposed". When we serve in CR. When we share our testimonies. When openly speak of what the world deems shameful...we expose our nakedness.
So, how naked are you today?
http://vimeo.com/19148888
Well, if you know me, you know that I am a cryer. I will cry the moment I see someone's eye get red or I am touched.
It wasn't always that way. As a perfectionist, I stuffed a lot of my feelings. I wouldn't dare show you how I felt. Now, I just can't help it. God spoke to my heart and said, "I am going to humiliate you" and since then, I cry...A LOT!
I was reading Exodus 20 and read something that I must have missed the other times I have read it. At the end of chapter, God tells Moses about altars. He says that need to be made of undressed stones. And then God says "And do not go up to my altar on steps, lest your nakedness be exposed on it." This blew me away.
I read it over and over. This altar needed to be undressed stones because if Moses carved them, then it would be about Moses and his carving ability and how artistic he is. Not showing God's artistry. He made them after all. His artistry is amazing.
Then the steps. Sometimes when I worship, that is exactly how I feel. Completely naked. Completely exposed. And when I am really crying out to God and He moves in a powerful way, I cry. Hard. Five years ago I would be mortified. Ashamed. Angry. But what a blessing to expose all for Him. He warns us. "lest your nakedness be exposed". When we serve in CR. When we share our testimonies. When openly speak of what the world deems shameful...we expose our nakedness.
So, how naked are you today?
http://vimeo.com/19148888
Sunday, January 23, 2011
The Blessing
Yesterday and this morning, I can't stop thinking about blessings. Not necessarily the type of blessings that come, literally, directly from God with no action from us. But blessings that we bestow over each other.
I was at an event yesterday and a Pastor prayed a blessing over the food. I asked myself this, how seriously do I take a blessing? I remember the last time a stranger blessed me.
She was in Wal-mart and I was with my daughter. She was in one of those electric shopping carts and she had huge Chuck Norris earrings. I am not kidding. They were a picture of Chuck Norris with an American flag behind them. She stopped us and told me how beautiful Penny was. Then she prayed a blessing over us. I was touched. I hadn't had a complete stranger do that before...or did it happen before and I missed it.
Then I thought about two people who desired blessings.
The first was Esau. Jacob, putting on an elaborated hairy disguise, took the blessing of the first born. When Esau found out, he desired that his dad bless him. He longed for it. He was passionate for it. Genesis 27:38 says "Esau said to his father, "Do you have only one blessing, my father? Bless me too, my father!" Then Esau wept aloud." I sure he wasn't happy when the blessing included him serving his brother. Well, the Bible says he "held a grudge".
Then there was Pharaoh. After each first born of each Egyptian household was killed, Pharaoh asked for a blessing. (Exodus 12:32)
Blessings are big deals. We should desire them. It calls on and is apart of the power of God. We also should share our blessings. With our families, with our friends and even pray them over the difficult people in our lives as Moses did.
Think about it the next time you hastily say a blessing over your food. The power of the blessing is amazing.
I was at an event yesterday and a Pastor prayed a blessing over the food. I asked myself this, how seriously do I take a blessing? I remember the last time a stranger blessed me.
She was in Wal-mart and I was with my daughter. She was in one of those electric shopping carts and she had huge Chuck Norris earrings. I am not kidding. They were a picture of Chuck Norris with an American flag behind them. She stopped us and told me how beautiful Penny was. Then she prayed a blessing over us. I was touched. I hadn't had a complete stranger do that before...or did it happen before and I missed it.
Then I thought about two people who desired blessings.
The first was Esau. Jacob, putting on an elaborated hairy disguise, took the blessing of the first born. When Esau found out, he desired that his dad bless him. He longed for it. He was passionate for it. Genesis 27:38 says "Esau said to his father, "Do you have only one blessing, my father? Bless me too, my father!" Then Esau wept aloud." I sure he wasn't happy when the blessing included him serving his brother. Well, the Bible says he "held a grudge".
Then there was Pharaoh. After each first born of each Egyptian household was killed, Pharaoh asked for a blessing. (Exodus 12:32)
Blessings are big deals. We should desire them. It calls on and is apart of the power of God. We also should share our blessings. With our families, with our friends and even pray them over the difficult people in our lives as Moses did.
Think about it the next time you hastily say a blessing over your food. The power of the blessing is amazing.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Did you just say chunky?
It's normal to comment on how big a baby is.
"Oh, look your juicy baby!"
"She is so chubby!"
"Your baby it so chunky!'
It's normal to normal people but I have realized in the last couple weeks that those comments have made me question how I am feeding her. So much that my husband, accountability and other close friend have had to encourage me and reassure me that I am not over feeding her.
Why?
A good portion of my life I was bulimic. I popped laxative and downed every diet pill on the market. My self worth was wrapped up in how much I weighed. After I stopped dancing, I didn't want to purge anymore but I never really dealt with why I binged in the first place. That lead to an issue with compulsive overeating.
I am proud to say that I have been in serious recovery, worked the twelve steps for three years and I am viewing myself in a new way, in a new light. But because of the abuse to my body for all those years, not making good choices when it comes to food and not really knowing what a well balance diet looks like, I am still overweight. In recent months, I have met with a dietician to learn how to eat better. Since then I have lost weight, very slowly. My goal is really to lose no more than a pound a week. Sure and steady wins the race.
But lately, I have been trapped in a fear. A fear that I may create a generational curse. Overweight parents breed overweight children. I can't ask Penny to make healthy choices if I am unwilling to do so.
Which brings me to today. While at the pediatrician, I asked how much I should be feeding Penny and if she was overweight. She gave me a funny look and I explained that I was in recovery and I wanted to make sure that I was taking care of Penny properly. She said she was fine, (always good to hear that from a doc) but the look she gave me read, 'You are recovering from bulimia? Ha!'
See how easy it is to let the enemy in. She may have been thinking about balancing the check book or the Bears game this weekend. Who knows! And even if she thought that, who cares! Romans 8:1 tells me there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus. As long as I am being obedient in my choices, whether food or what I watch on TV, God will bless that. It is the enemy that makes me not want to see my progress and fall into self condemnation and then give up. So if Jesus, you know, the Jesus that was apart of the "we" in Genesis and created all that we see. The Jesus who sits at the right hand of the father. You know, God, says there is no condemnation in Him, well it better not be present in me!
Today, a special friend said I looked svelte. I didn't give a proper thank you. Thank you!
I am removing those old tapes. Maybe it's time you did too!
"Oh, look your juicy baby!"
"She is so chubby!"
"Your baby it so chunky!'
It's normal to normal people but I have realized in the last couple weeks that those comments have made me question how I am feeding her. So much that my husband, accountability and other close friend have had to encourage me and reassure me that I am not over feeding her.
Why?
A good portion of my life I was bulimic. I popped laxative and downed every diet pill on the market. My self worth was wrapped up in how much I weighed. After I stopped dancing, I didn't want to purge anymore but I never really dealt with why I binged in the first place. That lead to an issue with compulsive overeating.
I am proud to say that I have been in serious recovery, worked the twelve steps for three years and I am viewing myself in a new way, in a new light. But because of the abuse to my body for all those years, not making good choices when it comes to food and not really knowing what a well balance diet looks like, I am still overweight. In recent months, I have met with a dietician to learn how to eat better. Since then I have lost weight, very slowly. My goal is really to lose no more than a pound a week. Sure and steady wins the race.
But lately, I have been trapped in a fear. A fear that I may create a generational curse. Overweight parents breed overweight children. I can't ask Penny to make healthy choices if I am unwilling to do so.
Which brings me to today. While at the pediatrician, I asked how much I should be feeding Penny and if she was overweight. She gave me a funny look and I explained that I was in recovery and I wanted to make sure that I was taking care of Penny properly. She said she was fine, (always good to hear that from a doc) but the look she gave me read, 'You are recovering from bulimia? Ha!'
See how easy it is to let the enemy in. She may have been thinking about balancing the check book or the Bears game this weekend. Who knows! And even if she thought that, who cares! Romans 8:1 tells me there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus. As long as I am being obedient in my choices, whether food or what I watch on TV, God will bless that. It is the enemy that makes me not want to see my progress and fall into self condemnation and then give up. So if Jesus, you know, the Jesus that was apart of the "we" in Genesis and created all that we see. The Jesus who sits at the right hand of the father. You know, God, says there is no condemnation in Him, well it better not be present in me!
Today, a special friend said I looked svelte. I didn't give a proper thank you. Thank you!
I am removing those old tapes. Maybe it's time you did too!
Monday, January 17, 2011
Jars of Oil...Boxes of Clothes
Today is the day I decide to get Penny's clothes organized. Recently, we received some hand-me-downs and she has grown out of her 12 months clothes (yes, she is only 9 months) and I thought this would be a great day to get organized.
Let's jump back for a moment.
Anytime Penny grows out of one size I start to get worried. Clothes for kids are expensive and they need a lot because they get dirty or have poops. So I get nervous. I start to think, 'How can we change our budget for the month?' or 'What can I cut back on?' I get nervous. This last time I dropped to my knees and said, "God, you know our need for Penny. And since she is yours, could you provide for us?" The next day, someone came up and asked me, "Do you like hand-me-downs?" Boy, do I. Then another person. And then another. We were overwhelmed by the blessings.
Come back to today.
I start organizing clothes and I started to remember Elijah and jars of oil. It is in 1 Kings 17. It is an awesome read if you have a moment. Anyway, he is hungry and comes to this widow and asks for food. She said she only has enough to eat for her and her son and then they will die....That's hungry. So he says, no worries, go home and make me a loaf a bread. God says you will not run out of flour or oil. She did and she didn't run out.
That is how I felt. The clothes kept coming and coming. So many. And then when I thought I was done, I found a bin in her closet full of 18 months through 2 T. A friend had given them to me months prior and I forgot. My oil just keeps coming. So now I have enough to enjoy plus bless a couple of other mom's in the same situation I am in.
God promises to be our my provision.
So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. Matthew 6:31-32.
If you have a need today, ask Him who knows. He will provide.
I just love a good miracle!
Let's jump back for a moment.
Anytime Penny grows out of one size I start to get worried. Clothes for kids are expensive and they need a lot because they get dirty or have poops. So I get nervous. I start to think, 'How can we change our budget for the month?' or 'What can I cut back on?' I get nervous. This last time I dropped to my knees and said, "God, you know our need for Penny. And since she is yours, could you provide for us?" The next day, someone came up and asked me, "Do you like hand-me-downs?" Boy, do I. Then another person. And then another. We were overwhelmed by the blessings.
Come back to today.
I start organizing clothes and I started to remember Elijah and jars of oil. It is in 1 Kings 17. It is an awesome read if you have a moment. Anyway, he is hungry and comes to this widow and asks for food. She said she only has enough to eat for her and her son and then they will die....That's hungry. So he says, no worries, go home and make me a loaf a bread. God says you will not run out of flour or oil. She did and she didn't run out.
That is how I felt. The clothes kept coming and coming. So many. And then when I thought I was done, I found a bin in her closet full of 18 months through 2 T. A friend had given them to me months prior and I forgot. My oil just keeps coming. So now I have enough to enjoy plus bless a couple of other mom's in the same situation I am in.
God promises to be our my provision.
So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. Matthew 6:31-32.
If you have a need today, ask Him who knows. He will provide.
I just love a good miracle!
Sunday, January 16, 2011
The Past and Present Collide
Food sometimes triggers the sense. It also triggers memories.
Last night, I decided to make a some spaghetti sauce and meatballs. I have an amazing recipe for it in a cookbook my mom created. The recipe came from a guy I was once engaged to. The recipe itself brought no memories. Very utilitarian. However, the taste did. It reminded me of a life that seems like it was hundreds of years ago. One where I was a cruel, manipulative, bulimic, backstabbing, self-absorbed person. That person was never really happy, wanted what she couldn't have and the desire for perfection ruled her. She felt very unlovable and the hole in her was as large as Wrigley field. She had family that loved her and friends that loved her but she was just desperate for love.
Why?
Fast forward to today: As I look at what I didn't have then and what I have now I see the answer. A real concrete with God. I was my idol. After all, I was in entertainment. You have to be a self-promoter when you are. Now, don't start posting comments about how all entertainers are not self-absorbed. They may not be. But I was. I saw God as this genie; I pray to Him and gives me what I want. But in the in between times, it was never about Him or His will for me. It was my will all the way and I can make things happen.
What is awesome it this. I see that even though our relationship was a one way street, He has is hand on me the whole time. He had bigger plans for me than being in a great dance company or winning awards or even being on SNL. Sure, all the stuff I got to do, the places I went were awesome. But they were nothing compare to being joy-filled. That stuff was to prepare me for being where I am right now and where I am going to move forward.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jer. 29:11
Even better, I don't live in my past. I don't have to tote around "this is what I did" or "this is what I've done". I am enough. Plain old Veronica is enough. That feels good.
My life is awesome. I have struggles and I have hard times. But I have a Savior who walks me through the struggles and the hard times. Who blesses me with joy. With contentment. With a never ending love. That rocks!
Last night, I decided to make a some spaghetti sauce and meatballs. I have an amazing recipe for it in a cookbook my mom created. The recipe came from a guy I was once engaged to. The recipe itself brought no memories. Very utilitarian. However, the taste did. It reminded me of a life that seems like it was hundreds of years ago. One where I was a cruel, manipulative, bulimic, backstabbing, self-absorbed person. That person was never really happy, wanted what she couldn't have and the desire for perfection ruled her. She felt very unlovable and the hole in her was as large as Wrigley field. She had family that loved her and friends that loved her but she was just desperate for love.
Why?
Fast forward to today: As I look at what I didn't have then and what I have now I see the answer. A real concrete with God. I was my idol. After all, I was in entertainment. You have to be a self-promoter when you are. Now, don't start posting comments about how all entertainers are not self-absorbed. They may not be. But I was. I saw God as this genie; I pray to Him and gives me what I want. But in the in between times, it was never about Him or His will for me. It was my will all the way and I can make things happen.
What is awesome it this. I see that even though our relationship was a one way street, He has is hand on me the whole time. He had bigger plans for me than being in a great dance company or winning awards or even being on SNL. Sure, all the stuff I got to do, the places I went were awesome. But they were nothing compare to being joy-filled. That stuff was to prepare me for being where I am right now and where I am going to move forward.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jer. 29:11
Even better, I don't live in my past. I don't have to tote around "this is what I did" or "this is what I've done". I am enough. Plain old Veronica is enough. That feels good.
My life is awesome. I have struggles and I have hard times. But I have a Savior who walks me through the struggles and the hard times. Who blesses me with joy. With contentment. With a never ending love. That rocks!
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Redefining Beautiful
As I am getting ready for Redefining Beautiful, I keep hearing this song on the radio and I realize that this song is my new theme song. I never really listened to it before but I am so grateful for this reminder.
You are beautiful too!
Doppelgänger...Day Three
So it's day three and my doppelgänger, let's call her Meronica shows up. I call her this because this person cannot truly be me.
Last night we had friends over and in anticipation of having Little Cesar pizza, I made sure that my food choices were focused and directed during the day. I really felt great. Lots of energy and no crazy cravings.
So the evening comes and the pizza is there. I have two slices, feeling very good about my choices, by passing the potato chips and enjoying my caffeine free, diet Sam's choice soda....which is the best diet soda EVER.
We have a great time with our friends and then they leave.
Then Meronica comes.
Without even thinking, I eat another slice, enjoy a bowl of ice cream and head to bed. This food entered my mouth without me even thinking about it. I didn't even pray over it. Meronica shows up and takes over.
Exit yesterday, enter this morning...
I have a headache, I am sluggish, I have a headache, I am grumpy and I keep thinking about yummy yuck foods for my poor body. The combat has begun. And did I suit up this morning? Of course....NOT! Yikes, could I set myself anymore for failure. I am running on fumes because I am missing the bread of life.
So it is time to restart the day. Thank goodness God's mercies are new everyday and every moment if I need it. There is no condemnation is Christ Jesus. The old is gone....pizza, and the new has come....salad.
Last night we had friends over and in anticipation of having Little Cesar pizza, I made sure that my food choices were focused and directed during the day. I really felt great. Lots of energy and no crazy cravings.
So the evening comes and the pizza is there. I have two slices, feeling very good about my choices, by passing the potato chips and enjoying my caffeine free, diet Sam's choice soda....which is the best diet soda EVER.
We have a great time with our friends and then they leave.
Then Meronica comes.
Without even thinking, I eat another slice, enjoy a bowl of ice cream and head to bed. This food entered my mouth without me even thinking about it. I didn't even pray over it. Meronica shows up and takes over.
Exit yesterday, enter this morning...
I have a headache, I am sluggish, I have a headache, I am grumpy and I keep thinking about yummy yuck foods for my poor body. The combat has begun. And did I suit up this morning? Of course....NOT! Yikes, could I set myself anymore for failure. I am running on fumes because I am missing the bread of life.
So it is time to restart the day. Thank goodness God's mercies are new everyday and every moment if I need it. There is no condemnation is Christ Jesus. The old is gone....pizza, and the new has come....salad.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Day two: WOWzers!
Day two..New outlook on food and the attacks have already begun. Now, I can't say if it is the enemy or self-sabotage but they are here. But this is not a post of defeat-ion (which I am aware is not really a word), this is a post of VICTORY.
So, lack of sleep because of the baby having a rough night and my amazing husband says, "Why don't I drop her off at school so you can get ready?" Since both of them were ready and I was still in my jammies I prasied God and sent them out the door. As soon as the garage door shut. A thought passed through my head. Wouldn't a Cadberry egg be nice right now. Not a strong temptation but a bad idea cloaked as a good one. I deserve it, right? Rough night and all.
Yet God is awesome. In the that fleeting moment, I was reminded that "Greater is He that is in me, than he that is in this world." My sword! Dan had prayed the armor on our family and my sword...the Word...came out. God said that when tempted we would have a way out. So as I got ready I kept repeating... "Greater is He that is in me, than he that is in this world." And then "Greater is He that is in me, than he that is in a Cadberry egg."
Even better, my sponsor calls. We talk about the lack of sleep and the baby being up and I felt so much better. Her encouragement just rocks. Godly women are the most beautiful and wonderful women ever!
So, lack of sleep because of the baby having a rough night and my amazing husband says, "Why don't I drop her off at school so you can get ready?" Since both of them were ready and I was still in my jammies I prasied God and sent them out the door. As soon as the garage door shut. A thought passed through my head. Wouldn't a Cadberry egg be nice right now. Not a strong temptation but a bad idea cloaked as a good one. I deserve it, right? Rough night and all.
Yet God is awesome. In the that fleeting moment, I was reminded that "Greater is He that is in me, than he that is in this world." My sword! Dan had prayed the armor on our family and my sword...the Word...came out. God said that when tempted we would have a way out. So as I got ready I kept repeating... "Greater is He that is in me, than he that is in this world." And then "Greater is He that is in me, than he that is in a Cadberry egg."
Even better, my sponsor calls. We talk about the lack of sleep and the baby being up and I felt so much better. Her encouragement just rocks. Godly women are the most beautiful and wonderful women ever!
What a night!
So last night Penny had a bad night. A really bad night. And she was up for a long time...a really long time. I felt so frustrated and I know Dan did too. Nothing we did would soothe her. Teething tablets, oral jell, food. Finally, I thought we should give her some baby pain reliever. With that, she finally calmed down enough to fall asleep. We rubbed her and soothed her.
This morning, as I was taking a shower, I thought about my mom. How she never got upset when I would wake her up in the middle of the night. She would love on me and kiss me. Her patience was amazing. She would always make me feel a little better even though my circumstance hadn't changed.
And then I started to think about all the inconsolable moments in my life. Those moments when I was angry or so depressed and thought the world would end. Moments when I made dumb choices and hated myself. Moments where, if I could, I would dig a whole and just hide 'cause I was done. God was there. Rubbing my back. Telling me how much He loves me. Willing to take my pain. All I needed to do was... is give it to him. I am grateful for a Heavenly Father who loves me despite my tantrums and my self-inflicted pain.
How Great Is Our God!
This morning, as I was taking a shower, I thought about my mom. How she never got upset when I would wake her up in the middle of the night. She would love on me and kiss me. Her patience was amazing. She would always make me feel a little better even though my circumstance hadn't changed.
And then I started to think about all the inconsolable moments in my life. Those moments when I was angry or so depressed and thought the world would end. Moments when I made dumb choices and hated myself. Moments where, if I could, I would dig a whole and just hide 'cause I was done. God was there. Rubbing my back. Telling me how much He loves me. Willing to take my pain. All I needed to do was... is give it to him. I am grateful for a Heavenly Father who loves me despite my tantrums and my self-inflicted pain.
How Great Is Our God!
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Fruit Leather
Found this awesome recipe for fruit leather at Simply Recipes by Elise...
How to Make Fruit Leather
INGREDIENTS
- Fresh fruit (apricots, peaches, plums, berries, apples, pears, grapes)
- Water
- Lemon juice
- Sugar (if needed)
- Spices such as cinnamon and nutmeg (optional)
METHOD
1 Rinse the fruit. If you working with stone fruit, take out the pits, chop the fruit. If working with apples or pears, peel and core them, then chop. If working with grapes, de-stem them.
Taste the fruit before proceeding. Note how sweet the fruit is. If very sweet (ripe Concord grapes for example) you will not need to add any sugar. If still a little tart, you may need to add some sugar in the next step.
2 Place fruit in a large saucepan. Add a half cup of water for every 4 cups of chopped fruit. Bring to a simmer, cover and let cook on a low heat for 10-15 minutes, or until the fruit is cooked through. Uncover and stir. Use a potato masher to mash up the fruit in the pan. Taste the fruit and determine what and how much sugar, lemon juice, or spices to add. Add sugar in small amounts (1 Tbsp at a time if working with 4 cups of fruit), to desired level of sweetness. Add lemon juice one teaspoon at a time to help brighten the flavor of the fruit. Add a pinch or two of cinnamon, nutmeg, or other spices to augment the flavor.
Continue to simmer and stir until any added sugar is completely dissolved and the fruit purée has thickened, another 5 or 10 minutes (or more).
Note if you are working with grapes - strain the juice out of the mashed grapes to make grape juice. Force what is left behind, after straining, through a food mill, to make the purée for the next step.
3 Put the purée through a food mill or chinoise. Alternatively purée it thoroughly in a blender or food processor. Taste again and adjust sugar/lemon/spices if necessary. The purée should be very smooth.
4 Line a rimmed baking sheet with sturdy plastic wrap (the kind that is microwave safe). Pour out the purée into the lined baking sheet to about an 1/8 to 1/4 inch thickness.
5 Place the baking sheet in the oven, try to keep any plastic wrap from touch the sides of the oven or the oven racks. Also try to make sure that the plastic wrap hasn't folded back over on top of the purée. If this happens, the purée won't dry out. Heat the oven to a low 140°F. If you have a convection setting, use it, it will speed up the process and help dry out the purée. Let dry in the oven like this for as long as it takes for the purée to dry out and form fruit leather. We usually keep it in the oven overnight, so about 8-12 hours. The fruit leather is ready when it is no longer sticky, but has a smooth surface.
Alternatives to the oven. If you have a food dehydrator, this would be a great use of it. My mother suggested putting the tray in the weber grill, and leaving covered, in the sun all day. Sounds like a good trick, but I haven't tried it yet. My parents remember the traditional way of making fruit leather was just to tent the tray with some cheesecloth and leave it outside in the sun on a hot day.
6 When the fruit leather is ready, you can easily peel it up from the plastic wrap. To store it, roll it in its plastic wrap, put it in an airtight container and store in the refrigerator or freezer.
4 cups of fruit yield about one baking sheet of fruit leather.
Day one....Oh Boy!
So, I am in day one of my new journey with Made to Crave. So far, this book is amazing. I am already in Chapter 3 and I am not a fast reader.This book is wearing me out and both are so related.
Can I tell you why I love Made to Crave? It has given me an awareness of food that I didn't have before. I knew that I would use food to replace my desire for God. To be my comfort and my protection. Yet I didn't really know that I used food to replace God. Does that make sense? It was a level of denial that I was living in that as my eyes are now opened, I see that every hunger craving for high fructose corn syrup was first a craving for satisfaction, comfort, love, protection, caring that God was to provide. Instead, I fill my mouth and my heart with cinnamon sugar donuts and soda.
Reality stinks! And I don't want to live in the insanity of food...eating and eating more, expecting to go down to a size 8!
So, when those cravings come, I have started to pray:
God, help me to desire you rather than a Cadberry egg.
Inspire me to start REALLY taking care of myself.
And using scripture has really helped...
I cast my anxiety [about food] on you because you care for me!
I know my spirit is willing, but my body is weak so please help me to make good choices.
I will take every thought about cheeseburgers captive.
It sounds funny but I am not trying to be funny. I am really focused on making God the Lord of my life again. The idol of food must be torn down and I am embarrassed to say that I have worship it for too long.
So my new journey begins. And I know there will be roadblocks. I totally forgot to bring my lunch today. My amazing salad is sitting on my kitchen counter, getting warm and gathering dust. So know my prayer looks like this...
God, help me to go to the grocery store and make choices that will uplift my temple...since your Spirit lives in it, I wanna make sure it's up to code.
Can I tell you why I love Made to Crave? It has given me an awareness of food that I didn't have before. I knew that I would use food to replace my desire for God. To be my comfort and my protection. Yet I didn't really know that I used food to replace God. Does that make sense? It was a level of denial that I was living in that as my eyes are now opened, I see that every hunger craving for high fructose corn syrup was first a craving for satisfaction, comfort, love, protection, caring that God was to provide. Instead, I fill my mouth and my heart with cinnamon sugar donuts and soda.
Reality stinks! And I don't want to live in the insanity of food...eating and eating more, expecting to go down to a size 8!
So, when those cravings come, I have started to pray:
God, help me to desire you rather than a Cadberry egg.
Inspire me to start REALLY taking care of myself.
And using scripture has really helped...
I cast my anxiety [about food] on you because you care for me!
I know my spirit is willing, but my body is weak so please help me to make good choices.
I will take every thought about cheeseburgers captive.
It sounds funny but I am not trying to be funny. I am really focused on making God the Lord of my life again. The idol of food must be torn down and I am embarrassed to say that I have worship it for too long.
So my new journey begins. And I know there will be roadblocks. I totally forgot to bring my lunch today. My amazing salad is sitting on my kitchen counter, getting warm and gathering dust. So know my prayer looks like this...
God, help me to go to the grocery store and make choices that will uplift my temple...since your Spirit lives in it, I wanna make sure it's up to code.
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