Tonight, I was praying over Penny. I prayed for her heart to seek God. I prayed for her purity in all facets of her life. And for a moment, I could hear an old worldy tape run through my head....
For her to not drink, do drugs, have sex before marriage, not guard her heart is IMPOSSIBLE!
I took a breath. Prayed and heard God place these words in my heart...
In the world it is impossible. But with God, all things are possible.
So I prayed she would be different. Weird to this world. Consecrated. A godly woman. That she would place God in the center of her life. Crave God. Long to know Him more.
"With man, this impossible. But with God, all things are possible." Matthew 19:26
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
New Eyes
I have this picture that I found about seven months ago. I keep it in the front of my journal.
I was about sixteen years old when I took this picture. When I look at it, I am reminded of the tapes that used to run in my head...
"You are so fat!"
"You can't get any uglier"
"No boy will ever like you"
"Boy, you are dumb"
"Did I tell you how fat you are?"
"Worthless, just worthless"
I remember using humor and make jokes about myself to mask how I truly felt. I wished I could be anyone else. And I tried. I tried many hats. I wanted to be liked and I wrapped my self-worth into what others thought of me. But mostly, my self-worth was directly related to my dancing ability. So as an adult, no wonder my world would crash around me when I was told I was too fat to do this or my dancing wasn't perfect. I became depressed when five knee surgeries took me out of commission for weeks and sometimes months. Even worse, right before I retired from dancing, I received an amazing review that spoke of how talented I was, yet the reviewer was so amazed that I moved so well and I was so big. And what's worse than that is when dancing was removed from my life....I had no idea who I was.
These things crushed me because my worth was tied to MY abilities. I look now and can see God's plan for me...I totally missed it. Yes, I was not the average size of a "normal" professional dancer. God created me to possibly break that mold.
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
He even tried to speak through people around me. He used the artistic director of the company I was in. She gave me a book about miracles and it talked about how your body was chosen to complete a certain task. I was just unwilling to accept God's will for me and fought it day in and out. I was empty and lost.
" I know the plans I have for you."
It's getting a bunch of parts in a box. Screws, nails, wooden slats and boards. Then wanting to put it together but being unwilling to look at the directions. And lets say you glance at them but you're confused because there are no pictures and your unwilling to call tech support!
God has a plan for you. He created you specifically for it. He designed it and hand-crafted it just for you. He made you to complete it with His direction and help. All you have to do is accept it.
Are you willing?
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Suck it up...literally
I have a bad habit. One that started years and years and some more years ago. In the morning, when I get out of the shower I go to the mirror, turn profile, look at my belly and suck it in. Then I take my hands and push my belly in trying to make myself as small as possible. I have done this for years. I think it started when I was about 12 years old. That is when my identity started to become entangled with the size of my body. I wanted to see how much smaller I could get. And there were times that I now look back and I almost disappeared. With the eyes that I have now, that is what I see. But the eyes that I had then, I had another inch or two that could be lost from my profile.
I know what you may be thinking...how sad. It is sad. But I have a feeling that you may look in the mirror and do the same thing with another part of your body. Or maybe another part of your being.
Isn't sad that we cannot enjoy what God has created. He formed us. He put inside me a need to eat. It saved my life because I could only starve myself so much. God knew and so He put a failsafe in me. He created my thighs. Big and all. But He sees them as beautiful. Inside me, He place compassion that I tried to kill but He knew I would try. So He put so much in me that there was no way to kill it.
God knew. God created. God said "it was good".
Isn't time we started to see that?
I know what you may be thinking...how sad. It is sad. But I have a feeling that you may look in the mirror and do the same thing with another part of your body. Or maybe another part of your being.
Isn't sad that we cannot enjoy what God has created. He formed us. He put inside me a need to eat. It saved my life because I could only starve myself so much. God knew and so He put a failsafe in me. He created my thighs. Big and all. But He sees them as beautiful. Inside me, He place compassion that I tried to kill but He knew I would try. So He put so much in me that there was no way to kill it.
God knew. God created. God said "it was good".
Isn't time we started to see that?
Friday, February 11, 2011
Why not a little compromise?
Last night I sat on a panel for "The Differents", a Youth and Young Adults night. Basically, the panel topic was dating and sex. As I sat there, I was sandwiched between two amazingly smart people who could have probably been the whole panel. One was a godly woman who is a MFT. The other is a pastor that amazes me with his God-given wisdom. Whenever I am apart of such events I recognized that God has or had put me in the situation for a reason. So last night and this morning I mulled over and over in my head...why?
As I thought and asked God why I started to hear a voice. This voice spoke about compromise. The voice gave a story that broke my heart. A girl who made the decision not to have sex until she was married and while in college, she met a man who was somewhat but not really the man of her dreams. They were going to get married so why not compromise? Four year into their relationship and several months before they were to marry, he called her and confessed he was gay and that he had affairs. As I listened, I realized that voice was mine.
In my life, I compromised a lot. I compromised my values and tried to harden and coarsen my heart to a degree that would allow me to feel comfortable about all my compromises. You see, God had called me to a higher standard, just like He calls you. But I wanted to ignore it. I wanted to be like the world. Strong girls do this...or strong girls do that.
"But small is the gate and narrow is the road that leads to life, and only a few find it." Matthew 7:14 Only a few. Isn't that sad. Read whats before it. "....Broad is the gate and wide is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it." Matthew 7:13
Purity is one way as a single person that we can enter the narrow gate. God says "Enter the narrow gate."
The world has a different plan for this. TV shows that say it is okay to compromise yourself sexually.
Worse is that the more you compromise, the more numb you become to what God wants for you.
As I look back, I see God has created ashes for beauty. He has allowed me to share my past to show how the tape plays forward. All those hurts, all the pain can be recycled and used "for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose".
So, when asked to just compromise a little today, lie a little today, steal a little today, gossip a little today...be reminded that the path and the gate are narrow. Will you fit?
As I thought and asked God why I started to hear a voice. This voice spoke about compromise. The voice gave a story that broke my heart. A girl who made the decision not to have sex until she was married and while in college, she met a man who was somewhat but not really the man of her dreams. They were going to get married so why not compromise? Four year into their relationship and several months before they were to marry, he called her and confessed he was gay and that he had affairs. As I listened, I realized that voice was mine.
In my life, I compromised a lot. I compromised my values and tried to harden and coarsen my heart to a degree that would allow me to feel comfortable about all my compromises. You see, God had called me to a higher standard, just like He calls you. But I wanted to ignore it. I wanted to be like the world. Strong girls do this...or strong girls do that.
"But small is the gate and narrow is the road that leads to life, and only a few find it." Matthew 7:14 Only a few. Isn't that sad. Read whats before it. "....Broad is the gate and wide is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it." Matthew 7:13
Purity is one way as a single person that we can enter the narrow gate. God says "Enter the narrow gate."
The world has a different plan for this. TV shows that say it is okay to compromise yourself sexually.
Worse is that the more you compromise, the more numb you become to what God wants for you.
As I look back, I see God has created ashes for beauty. He has allowed me to share my past to show how the tape plays forward. All those hurts, all the pain can be recycled and used "for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose".
So, when asked to just compromise a little today, lie a little today, steal a little today, gossip a little today...be reminded that the path and the gate are narrow. Will you fit?
Friday, February 4, 2011
A little bit won't hurt...
There is a battle in my mind. Actually, there is a raging, chaotic war happening and I am exhausted. Mentally exhausted.
For the last four days I have fasted my lunch only eating rice. Plain white rice. No butter. No salt. I am also on a spending fast. Have been for two weeks. Only household essentials and because God called me in His perfect timing, I have only had 97 cents in my account for the past week and a half.
And today the battle started.
All I wanted was a soda. A soda is not apart of my fast. It's a liquid. But I am only going to eat rice and water. What time does my lunch truly end? I could eat it then. Lunch ends around two, right? Food has such a hold on me. The enemy wants me to relent. To fall into temptation and fill myself with guilt, shame and anger. he wants me to fail and stand a failure when my eyes should be focused on God and His provisions.
Then I got paid.
All the things I want to get. A Kindle. A new phone. A soda!
These two things grip my life. I don't spend large amounts of money. But every nickel I have can be on unnecessary items and 96 cent sodas from 7-11. They add up. They take away money from my family.
Obedience.
God's love language.
"If you love me, you will obey what I command." John 14:15
I am seeing how much of a grip this world has on me. Stuff and food. I desire them. I fill myself with them. But that is not what God created me to fill myself with. He designed a hole in me on purpose... so He can fill it. He designed desire in me...to desire more of Him. This broken, sinful world grips me and my priority are off.
I don't need soda. I don't need stuff. But I do need more of Him. I desire to get closer to Him and for Him to break the wants so I only need the needs.
For the last four days I have fasted my lunch only eating rice. Plain white rice. No butter. No salt. I am also on a spending fast. Have been for two weeks. Only household essentials and because God called me in His perfect timing, I have only had 97 cents in my account for the past week and a half.
And today the battle started.
All I wanted was a soda. A soda is not apart of my fast. It's a liquid. But I am only going to eat rice and water. What time does my lunch truly end? I could eat it then. Lunch ends around two, right? Food has such a hold on me. The enemy wants me to relent. To fall into temptation and fill myself with guilt, shame and anger. he wants me to fail and stand a failure when my eyes should be focused on God and His provisions.
Then I got paid.
All the things I want to get. A Kindle. A new phone. A soda!
These two things grip my life. I don't spend large amounts of money. But every nickel I have can be on unnecessary items and 96 cent sodas from 7-11. They add up. They take away money from my family.
Obedience.
God's love language.
"If you love me, you will obey what I command." John 14:15
I am seeing how much of a grip this world has on me. Stuff and food. I desire them. I fill myself with them. But that is not what God created me to fill myself with. He designed a hole in me on purpose... so He can fill it. He designed desire in me...to desire more of Him. This broken, sinful world grips me and my priority are off.
I don't need soda. I don't need stuff. But I do need more of Him. I desire to get closer to Him and for Him to break the wants so I only need the needs.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
SCREAM!
Yesterday was an off day for me. Have you had one of those days. You feel a little tired. A little sore. A little bit of everything. I have those days from time to time and yesterday was definitely one of them. It was a good day. I had an amazing date with my husband. We laughed the whole night. We picked up Penny, brought her home and put her pj's on her and then to bed. She was tired and fell asleep quickly.
As I laid down to sleep, I did a quick inventory of the day. I felt off because I didn't spend time enough time with God and then my daughter. My morning prayer time was filled with "stuff" I needed to get done. I got busy and spent very little time in prayer. I was definitely a Martha!
And then there is Penny. I really didn't see her much and I was too busy in the morning trying to get us ready on time to spend quality time reading to her or playing.
ZZzzzZZz....zzZZZzzz...
Then in the middle of the night I awoke abruptly to the sounds of screams. They were not her normal sleep noises. They were "I am super hungry" screams. I ran downstairs and made a bottle and ran up. I picked her up and she nuzzled in my shoulder and fell asleep. So sweet. So beautiful. She just wanted me to hold her, kiss her and be near her.
When I laid back down, I was nagged with a hunger and desire to be closer to God. My heart was heavy with prayers for new and old friends. Anxiety began to build and I rolled it over onto Him, nuzzled into Him and "quiet me with His love." Zephaniah 3:17. Isn't what makes God amazing. In the middle of the night, we cry to Him and He is instantly there. In the middle of our office, we cry to Him and He is there. At any and all moments, He is there.
As I laid down to sleep, I did a quick inventory of the day. I felt off because I didn't spend time enough time with God and then my daughter. My morning prayer time was filled with "stuff" I needed to get done. I got busy and spent very little time in prayer. I was definitely a Martha!
And then there is Penny. I really didn't see her much and I was too busy in the morning trying to get us ready on time to spend quality time reading to her or playing.
ZZzzzZZz....zzZZZzzz...
Then in the middle of the night I awoke abruptly to the sounds of screams. They were not her normal sleep noises. They were "I am super hungry" screams. I ran downstairs and made a bottle and ran up. I picked her up and she nuzzled in my shoulder and fell asleep. So sweet. So beautiful. She just wanted me to hold her, kiss her and be near her.
When I laid back down, I was nagged with a hunger and desire to be closer to God. My heart was heavy with prayers for new and old friends. Anxiety began to build and I rolled it over onto Him, nuzzled into Him and "quiet me with His love." Zephaniah 3:17. Isn't what makes God amazing. In the middle of the night, we cry to Him and He is instantly there. In the middle of our office, we cry to Him and He is there. At any and all moments, He is there.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Prayer and Petition
Today is day one of a fast for me. My husband and I were impressed to fast not only for the health of a friends child but for other things. Actually, I feel like my heart has been breaking so much lately.
Heartbreak can be a horrible thing. Like when you break up with your boyfriend or you lose a pet. Sometimes it can be a loss of a job and even worse, a loss of a friend or family member. Heartbreak is hard.
Have you ever prayed that God would break your heart? It's a hard prayer. I think you pray it in your most prideful moments. It brings humility and it take you out of your role of "god".
I wish I could say I was super humble and contrite that I pray this prayer often. I have mentioned before that I so struggle with pride. But it seems God knows me better than I know myself. Well, of course He does. He made me! But seriously, God sees that virus of pride infect me and when it does, He breaks my heart.
So during this fast I am not only praying for healing for this beautiful girl. But for other beautiful girls who have no idea how beautiful they are. For girls in pain. For girls struggling with addiction or bulimia as I did. For girls to see how God sees them. I am praying for the women of this generation and generations to come.
If you would, please pray for me. Pray for focus and strength in this time. I am slightly ADD especially when it comes to prayer. But I also know and understand the power of prayer.
Heartbreak can be a horrible thing. Like when you break up with your boyfriend or you lose a pet. Sometimes it can be a loss of a job and even worse, a loss of a friend or family member. Heartbreak is hard.
Have you ever prayed that God would break your heart? It's a hard prayer. I think you pray it in your most prideful moments. It brings humility and it take you out of your role of "god".
I wish I could say I was super humble and contrite that I pray this prayer often. I have mentioned before that I so struggle with pride. But it seems God knows me better than I know myself. Well, of course He does. He made me! But seriously, God sees that virus of pride infect me and when it does, He breaks my heart.
So during this fast I am not only praying for healing for this beautiful girl. But for other beautiful girls who have no idea how beautiful they are. For girls in pain. For girls struggling with addiction or bulimia as I did. For girls to see how God sees them. I am praying for the women of this generation and generations to come.
If you would, please pray for me. Pray for focus and strength in this time. I am slightly ADD especially when it comes to prayer. But I also know and understand the power of prayer.
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