I awoke this morning at 3am filled with fear, worry and on the edge of panic.
Yesterday afternoon was amazing. Dan's family blessed us with an Outback gift card and we went to celebrate five years of sobriety and enjoy a great meal. It was fantastic and what made it even better is Penny had a great time. Our server was amazing and we tipped him more than 20% because he was truly great. We came home and started working on cleaning out the office which will become the new baby's room.
I woke up this morning in the grips of panic...how are we going to do this? How can we afford this child? It was overwhelming. I crawled out of bed and got on my knees and prayed every fear and worry scripture I could think of....Cast your anxieties on Him because he cares for you...Greater is He that is in me, than He that is in this world....Look at the lilies of the field...
And I found myself counteracting their power.
'Well, the lilies of field didn't have to put diapers and feed their kids.' I thought. Ugh. I was stuck. Stuck in my worry. My anxiety. Stuck.
I started to remind myself of how God has provided for us. How I was worried about Penny and how God provided. I began to pray for peace and wisdom and reminding myself that God will bless me with these if I allow them in my heart. I need to "Let the peace of Christ rule in my heart...(since I was)...called to peace"
So, I got up, came in the office and brought my Bible and remembered my pregnancy verse.
Mark 5:36 "Don't be afraid; Just believe."
I need to just believe. Remember the miracles that my family has been blessed with. Remember who's I am and He has provided for our needs. This child is His, we are His. He will make a way.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Friday, August 5, 2011
Eat the burrito and be encouraged...
This will be a wild ride so please stick with me...
This week, I was reminded of the importance of communion. What it means. Why its important. I was asked the question, "What does communion mean?" My mind is literal and feeling the pressure to give the perfect answer I thought of what the dictionary might say. My answer was something like, "Fellowship. Breaking bread. Coming together" Needless to say, I was embarrassed because I missed the question. I was so wrapped up into not looking dumb I my pride clogged my ears. "What does communion mean to you?" However, the discussion that happened was amazing. The importance of remembering the sacrifice our Lord made for us which led to another eye and mind opening discussion. Needless to say, my struggles with perfection got the best of me and I felt dumb and disappointed. (I harbor these feelings often...I am working on it :) )
Then God encouraged me...
I was reading through Acts and I got to my favorite part...The Shipwreck! I love this part of Acts because it has a bunch of amazing miracles in it but it also precedes even more amazing miracles!
So let me recap this for ya...
Paul is arrested and on his way to Rome after appealing to Cesar, (which he could have been free if he hadn't appealed, but did and God told him he was going to Rome which is even cooler but this is a whole 'nother story that is awesome) and while on the ship they hit a storm (which Paul warned them about). This storm is crazy scary because it says they couldn't see the stars and I am sure people were freaking out. It was so bad they could not secure the lifeboats. They are chucking things over the side dropping anchors and as I read it, I feel mass panic. Paul shares that God sent him and angel who tells them that because he must stand before Cesar, their lives will be spared. But they still must have been scared. After 14 days they are trying to abandon ship and Paul tells them they need to stay on. Yet, in the midst of this crazy storm, Paul says and does this...
...“For the last fourteen days,” he said, “you have been in constant suspense and have gone without food—you haven’t eaten anything. Now I urge you to take some food. You need it to survive. Not one of you will lose a single hair from his head.” After he said this, he took some bread and gave thanks to God in front of them all. Then he broke it and began to eat. They were all encouraged and ate some food themselves.
Acts 27:33-36
They were encouraged.
This morning, it hit me like a ton of bricks.
Mercy is a little girl who is very sick. Scary sick. And her family is going through a storm with her sickness. A friend of theirs set up a fundraiser for their medical bills through Chipotle (the one by St. Rose in Henderson ) this Tuesday. In my prayer time this morning, God reminded me of this story. "...he took some bread and gave thanks to God in front of them all. Then he broke it and began to eat. They were all encouraged and ate some food themselves."
I think that is what the fundraiser is really about. Us coming together, giving thanks and breaking bread (or burritos) together to eat and encourage. Encourage a family who does so much for God's kingdom. Who may have encouraged us in a hard time or two. Who love God with all their hearts and are praying for a healing. But also to encourage us. Us who have been praying for them and with them. Who love Mercy. Who want to see a miracle in a huge way.
So you may not know them. That's ok. Come. Meet them. Encourage. You might find encouragement as well. Print out the picture and bring it with you between 3pm and 8pm on Tuesday, August 9th. Enjoy a burrito and bless a family.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
If you knew....EW!
If you had met me about ten years ago, most of you probably would not have liked me. I was loud (well, that hasn't changed), obnoxious and very wise in my own eyes. It was the latter that usually effected most of my close relationships. I knew everything. Politics....I knew it. Being a parent (even though I wasn't one)...I knew it. Molecular biology....I knew it! I knew everything and as I think back, it must have been really hard to have a conversation with me. Sad to say, I still struggle with this today.
My "knowing everything" was definitely rooted in my judgement of you and everything in this world. Because I knew best, please know I was judging you and deciding if you are good or bad. If it what you did didn't agree with me, then the BAD stamp would come out. If I thought it was cool, GOOD!!!
Then God tapped me on the shoulder.
"This is my seat, thank you."
The most humbling moment in my life. I was sitting on the wrong seat! And it's a throne nonetheless!
I find myself trying to creep back into that seat from time to time. Then God reminds me of his Word...
13 The woman Folly is loud;
she is undisciplined and without knowledge.
14 She sits at the door of her house,
on a seat at the highest point of the city,
15 calling out to those who pass by,
who go straight on their way.
16 “Let all who are simple come in here!”
she says to those who lack judgment.
17 “Stolen water is sweet;
food eaten in secret is delicious!”
18 But little do they know that the dead are there,
that her guests are in the depths of the grave.
That was me for sure. And me sometimes now.
I am grateful for these reminders and God's discipline now. I know He does cause He loves me but more so, I would rather have His discipline here than face to face!
My "knowing everything" was definitely rooted in my judgement of you and everything in this world. Because I knew best, please know I was judging you and deciding if you are good or bad. If it what you did didn't agree with me, then the BAD stamp would come out. If I thought it was cool, GOOD!!!
Then God tapped me on the shoulder.
"This is my seat, thank you."
The most humbling moment in my life. I was sitting on the wrong seat! And it's a throne nonetheless!
I find myself trying to creep back into that seat from time to time. Then God reminds me of his Word...
Proverbs 9:13-18
New International Version 1984
13 The woman Folly is loud;
she is undisciplined and without knowledge.
14 She sits at the door of her house,
on a seat at the highest point of the city,
15 calling out to those who pass by,
who go straight on their way.
16 “Let all who are simple come in here!”
she says to those who lack judgment.
17 “Stolen water is sweet;
food eaten in secret is delicious!”
18 But little do they know that the dead are there,
that her guests are in the depths of the grave.
That was me for sure. And me sometimes now.
I am grateful for these reminders and God's discipline now. I know He does cause He loves me but more so, I would rather have His discipline here than face to face!
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Hey lady...move that car!
To get to work, there are a bajillion (yeah, I said bajillion) detours. They are paving my neighborhood, so I had to go the crazy long way to get out. They are working on railroad tracks on the major road I use to get to work. So I have to go a crazy long way to get there.
On my way today, I was stopped at a light and decided to turn around and talk to my daughter. You know, Mom stuff..."Your beautiful! Are you excited about today? Whatcha thinking about?" That kind of stuff. I guess I was drawn into our conversation for too long. The guys behind me was laying on his horn and yelling and screaming. So I politely waved the "Oops, I am so sorry wave" and proceeded to turn. After he passed me, using a variety of different signals to let me know I needed to pay attention (none of them vulgar), I felt like God blessed me with a thought.
As he drove by, I talked to my daughter about these things and then we prayed for him and his daughter who was in the front seat. We prayed for their peace. I shared with her that sometimes people react in extreme anger towards our mistakes because of a hurt in them that has nothing to do with us. And when that happens, we pray.
On my way today, I was stopped at a light and decided to turn around and talk to my daughter. You know, Mom stuff..."Your beautiful! Are you excited about today? Whatcha thinking about?" That kind of stuff. I guess I was drawn into our conversation for too long. The guys behind me was laying on his horn and yelling and screaming. So I politely waved the "Oops, I am so sorry wave" and proceeded to turn. After he passed me, using a variety of different signals to let me know I needed to pay attention (none of them vulgar), I felt like God blessed me with a thought.
Did me waiting at the light really matter? Was it an inconvenience? Yes! But in the grand scheme of life, did it matter? What's most important is how we react to those inconveniences. We live in a country that is so...I WANT IT NOW! I wonder if it develops a selfishness in us that says, 'It's all about me and my wants being instantly gratified'.
This morning, I could have thrown a fit about all the detours. I could have reacted in anger towards this guy for the mistake I did. I have before. But I didn't feel that I needed to. I was grateful our street was being fixed. I was thankful for extra time with my daughter. I felt peace.
Our family verse is Colossians 3: 12-17. Verse 15 says, "Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful."
Our family verse is Colossians 3: 12-17. Verse 15 says, "Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful."
Now, I am not saying I am perfect. I get all wrapped up in frustration all the time. But that moment was a reminder to me. What's important? And I let Christ's peace rule in me which brought gratitude. Only God does that!
As he drove by, I talked to my daughter about these things and then we prayed for him and his daughter who was in the front seat. We prayed for their peace. I shared with her that sometimes people react in extreme anger towards our mistakes because of a hurt in them that has nothing to do with us. And when that happens, we pray.
So, if you happen to see me and I am angry with you or frustrated, pray for me. And if God prompts you to, ask me if it's that important.
Friday, April 29, 2011
The "R" Word
Racist...a label that most people that truly know would not want pasted on them. Call me fat. Call me ugly but racist is one of those names that break my heart. Yet it is a label that we sometimes are all too quickly to paste on someone. Is it a label that applies to people....yes! Yes! In this world there are people, unfortunately many people who are racists and many of them VERY proud of it. There are people who call people racist who themselves (if you look deep into there hearts) are racists as well.
I can be very complicated...
When I was a high school, my mom came home from work. She was a high level executive and someone wanted to file suit again her because she let them go. The woman who was let go called my mom a racist. Oooo, when I heard that word I got mad. I mean MAD! I hurt like the first time I was called the "N" word.
You see, my mother is the sweetest, kindest and most loving person you could ever meet. She treats every person with respect and dignity but more importantly love. She modeled Christ's love to me in such an amazing way. And I need to mention that she is white and my father was black. That word, however, did not reflect my mom. I remember saying, "What do you need me to do Mom? Do you want me to come to court? I will tell her. I WILL SHOW HER!!!" But my mom reassured me that her work performance would speak for itself. She hadn't done what was required of her and that would be enough.
As an adult, I look back and see the amazing character of my mother. She could have had my dad in court. She could have toted us saying, 'See, this proves it!' But she didn't. She took Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s words to heart for his children..."where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character." My mom was judged on the the color of her skin. She's white. She's a racist. Her character ignored. I have heard people call this "reverse discrimination" but really it is just plain ole racism!
God doesn't want this either. This judgement we pass means nothing. God calls us to love. Love the unlovable...cause that includes us. He asks us to be a reflection of His unfailing love. He asks us to "treat our neighbors as ourselves." Mark 12:31 "But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you..." Matthew 5:44
I dated a guy in college that wanted me to meet his family. He lacked telling me one thing. His father was a racist. A "N" word using racist.Well, he told me about a half hour before I met him. It freaked me out! But in the time I knew his dad, I treated him with respect and love. I treated him the way I would want to be treated. I spent weeks at his house. His dad would take me on his boat and years later after a failed engagement that ended disastrously, his father called me months after the engagement ended to tell me that he loved me and that he was sorry for the way things ended. He loved me. I cry now thinking about.
That's why God calls us to love.
Part of Dr. King's Dream speech says this...
"I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood."
I like that dream. How's your love today?
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Simple please!
Why is it that we have to struggle with something constantly? I found myself in prayer this morning saying the same thing I think I have said for years...."I'm struggling with this...." and this time I couldn't fill in the blank. How is it that we can get in the habit of trying to be where we were years ago. Why is it that we get in the habit of struggling. And it is a habit.
Free dictionary defines it as this...
A recurrent, often unconscious pattern of behavior that is acquired through frequent repetition.
An established disposition of the mind or character.
It is a behavior and a mind set. I am in the habit of brushing my teeth, feeding myself, sleeping, etc... I also have a habit of calling myself "stupid", "dumb" and "unimportant". And worse, I have a habit of struggling with something all the time. And sometimes it is God.
The sad part is His message is simple...
“I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." John 14:6
Highly intelligent people can over analyze ideas and concepts to the point where they are unrecognizable. Simple things like walking or even sleep patterns. Gaining understanding is good. Complexity is not. We were not built to live complex lives. We were actually built to live simple ones.
Think about it...
I was reminded of the garden this weekend. The best and greatest garden there ever was...Eden. We were supposed to just chill with God. A simple life that we made complex. We make things crazy instead of easy. Adversity will happen. Things will change but when will we decide to choose to not get wrapped up in drama and just be, rest in our powerlessness and move "...one step at a time. One moment at a time. Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace." as the Serenity prayer goes.
I am ready to get back to the simple. How about you?
Monday, March 28, 2011
Good advice from David
5 After Nathan had gone home, the LORD struck the child that Uriah’s wife had borne to David, and he became ill. 16 David pleaded with God for the child. He fasted and went into his house and spent the nights lying on the ground. 17 The elders of his household stood beside him to get him up from the ground, but he refused, and he would not eat any food with them.
18 On the seventh day the child died. David’s servants were afraid to tell him that the child was dead, for they thought, “While the child was still living, we spoke to David but he would not listen to us. How can we tell him the child is dead? He may do something desperate.”
19 David noticed that his servants were whispering among themselves and he realized the child was dead. “Is the child dead?” he asked.
“Yes,” they replied, “he is dead.”
20 Then David got up from the ground. After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the LORD and worshiped. Then he went to his own house, and at his request they served him food, and he ate.
21 His servants asked him, “Why are you acting this way? While the child was alive, you fasted and wept, but now that the child is dead, you get up and eat!”
22 He answered, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, ‘Who knows? The LORD may be gracious to me and let the child live.’ 23 But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.” 2 Samuel 12:19-22
18 On the seventh day the child died. David’s servants were afraid to tell him that the child was dead, for they thought, “While the child was still living, we spoke to David but he would not listen to us. How can we tell him the child is dead? He may do something desperate.”
19 David noticed that his servants were whispering among themselves and he realized the child was dead. “Is the child dead?” he asked.
“Yes,” they replied, “he is dead.”
20 Then David got up from the ground. After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the LORD and worshiped. Then he went to his own house, and at his request they served him food, and he ate.
21 His servants asked him, “Why are you acting this way? While the child was alive, you fasted and wept, but now that the child is dead, you get up and eat!”
22 He answered, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, ‘Who knows? The LORD may be gracious to me and let the child live.’ 23 But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.” 2 Samuel 12:19-22
I am going to get up, wash myself off, take of my sackcloth and worship God. I am going to worship Him in my attitude, in my heart, in the way I treat my family and the people around me.
I am going to worship Him!
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
but why?
Dear Heavenly Father,
First, I want to thank you for being the best dad ever. I know you truly love me and care about me. I can see it in the way you take care of me. You blessed me with such an amazing husband who loves you first and then a beautiful daughter. I can't believe how blessed I am. From the house I live in, to the way you stretch every dime...thank you. Being your daughter is such a blessing.
Abba, Father, I know you can see my broken heart. I know you are morning with us. He is your creation. You knitted him inside me. But sometimes, right now, I wish I knew why he is gone? Why did this happen?
But here is what I do know. I know you love me. I know that you want the best for me and I know that you will bless the desires of my heart. I will trust in you. I won't lean on my own understanding. I will lean on you.
I know you know but I just want you to know that I'm just sad and that I miss him.
Thank you so much for the peace you have blessed Dan and I with. We know it is coming from you and we truly appreciate it. Please keep it coming.
I love you. Thank you so much for being with me every moment. Your love is truly amazing and unfailing.
Love forever,
V
PS Dad, will you do me a favor? Kiss him goodnight for me. Please let him know how much I love him and that I miss him.
First, I want to thank you for being the best dad ever. I know you truly love me and care about me. I can see it in the way you take care of me. You blessed me with such an amazing husband who loves you first and then a beautiful daughter. I can't believe how blessed I am. From the house I live in, to the way you stretch every dime...thank you. Being your daughter is such a blessing.
Abba, Father, I know you can see my broken heart. I know you are morning with us. He is your creation. You knitted him inside me. But sometimes, right now, I wish I knew why he is gone? Why did this happen?
But here is what I do know. I know you love me. I know that you want the best for me and I know that you will bless the desires of my heart. I will trust in you. I won't lean on my own understanding. I will lean on you.
I know you know but I just want you to know that I'm just sad and that I miss him.
Thank you so much for the peace you have blessed Dan and I with. We know it is coming from you and we truly appreciate it. Please keep it coming.
I love you. Thank you so much for being with me every moment. Your love is truly amazing and unfailing.
Love forever,
V
PS Dad, will you do me a favor? Kiss him goodnight for me. Please let him know how much I love him and that I miss him.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Climbing...
My daughter Penny loves to climb the steps. Repeatedly. Hence the reason we have a gate. I think she would go up and up (cause she doesn't know how to go down yet!) the steps all day if she could. Tonight, as we were getting ready to go to bed, something that she does every time she climbs up the stairs really jumped out at me. Half way up the steps she stops and looks down through the rails. She does this every single time.
It made me think. As we climb up the stairs in our lives, you know financial problems, marital issues, lack of self worth, etc..., there needs to be a time where we stop and marvel at the miracles God provides for us. His provision is amazing and we easily can forget it.
Take a cue from Joshua.
When the Israelites crossed the Jordan, he had twelve stones taken from the river bed. You see, just like with the Red Sea, God parted the river making it possible for them to cross. Then he said these words,
"He said to the Israelites, “In the future when your descendants ask their fathers, ‘What do these stones mean?’ tell them, ‘Israel crossed the Jordan on dry ground.’" Joshua 4:21-22
We need to remember so that we don't get so lost in the daunting task of climbing the steps that we forget who is protecting us and helping us get up and take the next step.
Maybe its time for you to set up your own "twelve stones" in your home. Remember God's miracles in your life. I know that I need to!
It made me think. As we climb up the stairs in our lives, you know financial problems, marital issues, lack of self worth, etc..., there needs to be a time where we stop and marvel at the miracles God provides for us. His provision is amazing and we easily can forget it.
Take a cue from Joshua.
When the Israelites crossed the Jordan, he had twelve stones taken from the river bed. You see, just like with the Red Sea, God parted the river making it possible for them to cross. Then he said these words,
"He said to the Israelites, “In the future when your descendants ask their fathers, ‘What do these stones mean?’ tell them, ‘Israel crossed the Jordan on dry ground.’" Joshua 4:21-22
We need to remember so that we don't get so lost in the daunting task of climbing the steps that we forget who is protecting us and helping us get up and take the next step.
Maybe its time for you to set up your own "twelve stones" in your home. Remember God's miracles in your life. I know that I need to!
Saturday, February 19, 2011
The world says it's impossible...So what?
Tonight, I was praying over Penny. I prayed for her heart to seek God. I prayed for her purity in all facets of her life. And for a moment, I could hear an old worldy tape run through my head....
For her to not drink, do drugs, have sex before marriage, not guard her heart is IMPOSSIBLE!
I took a breath. Prayed and heard God place these words in my heart...
In the world it is impossible. But with God, all things are possible.
So I prayed she would be different. Weird to this world. Consecrated. A godly woman. That she would place God in the center of her life. Crave God. Long to know Him more.
"With man, this impossible. But with God, all things are possible." Matthew 19:26
For her to not drink, do drugs, have sex before marriage, not guard her heart is IMPOSSIBLE!
I took a breath. Prayed and heard God place these words in my heart...
In the world it is impossible. But with God, all things are possible.
So I prayed she would be different. Weird to this world. Consecrated. A godly woman. That she would place God in the center of her life. Crave God. Long to know Him more.
"With man, this impossible. But with God, all things are possible." Matthew 19:26
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
New Eyes
I have this picture that I found about seven months ago. I keep it in the front of my journal.
I was about sixteen years old when I took this picture. When I look at it, I am reminded of the tapes that used to run in my head...
"You are so fat!"
"You can't get any uglier"
"No boy will ever like you"
"Boy, you are dumb"
"Did I tell you how fat you are?"
"Worthless, just worthless"
I remember using humor and make jokes about myself to mask how I truly felt. I wished I could be anyone else. And I tried. I tried many hats. I wanted to be liked and I wrapped my self-worth into what others thought of me. But mostly, my self-worth was directly related to my dancing ability. So as an adult, no wonder my world would crash around me when I was told I was too fat to do this or my dancing wasn't perfect. I became depressed when five knee surgeries took me out of commission for weeks and sometimes months. Even worse, right before I retired from dancing, I received an amazing review that spoke of how talented I was, yet the reviewer was so amazed that I moved so well and I was so big. And what's worse than that is when dancing was removed from my life....I had no idea who I was.
These things crushed me because my worth was tied to MY abilities. I look now and can see God's plan for me...I totally missed it. Yes, I was not the average size of a "normal" professional dancer. God created me to possibly break that mold.
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
He even tried to speak through people around me. He used the artistic director of the company I was in. She gave me a book about miracles and it talked about how your body was chosen to complete a certain task. I was just unwilling to accept God's will for me and fought it day in and out. I was empty and lost.
" I know the plans I have for you."
It's getting a bunch of parts in a box. Screws, nails, wooden slats and boards. Then wanting to put it together but being unwilling to look at the directions. And lets say you glance at them but you're confused because there are no pictures and your unwilling to call tech support!
God has a plan for you. He created you specifically for it. He designed it and hand-crafted it just for you. He made you to complete it with His direction and help. All you have to do is accept it.
Are you willing?
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Suck it up...literally
I have a bad habit. One that started years and years and some more years ago. In the morning, when I get out of the shower I go to the mirror, turn profile, look at my belly and suck it in. Then I take my hands and push my belly in trying to make myself as small as possible. I have done this for years. I think it started when I was about 12 years old. That is when my identity started to become entangled with the size of my body. I wanted to see how much smaller I could get. And there were times that I now look back and I almost disappeared. With the eyes that I have now, that is what I see. But the eyes that I had then, I had another inch or two that could be lost from my profile.
I know what you may be thinking...how sad. It is sad. But I have a feeling that you may look in the mirror and do the same thing with another part of your body. Or maybe another part of your being.
Isn't sad that we cannot enjoy what God has created. He formed us. He put inside me a need to eat. It saved my life because I could only starve myself so much. God knew and so He put a failsafe in me. He created my thighs. Big and all. But He sees them as beautiful. Inside me, He place compassion that I tried to kill but He knew I would try. So He put so much in me that there was no way to kill it.
God knew. God created. God said "it was good".
Isn't time we started to see that?
I know what you may be thinking...how sad. It is sad. But I have a feeling that you may look in the mirror and do the same thing with another part of your body. Or maybe another part of your being.
Isn't sad that we cannot enjoy what God has created. He formed us. He put inside me a need to eat. It saved my life because I could only starve myself so much. God knew and so He put a failsafe in me. He created my thighs. Big and all. But He sees them as beautiful. Inside me, He place compassion that I tried to kill but He knew I would try. So He put so much in me that there was no way to kill it.
God knew. God created. God said "it was good".
Isn't time we started to see that?
Friday, February 11, 2011
Why not a little compromise?
Last night I sat on a panel for "The Differents", a Youth and Young Adults night. Basically, the panel topic was dating and sex. As I sat there, I was sandwiched between two amazingly smart people who could have probably been the whole panel. One was a godly woman who is a MFT. The other is a pastor that amazes me with his God-given wisdom. Whenever I am apart of such events I recognized that God has or had put me in the situation for a reason. So last night and this morning I mulled over and over in my head...why?
As I thought and asked God why I started to hear a voice. This voice spoke about compromise. The voice gave a story that broke my heart. A girl who made the decision not to have sex until she was married and while in college, she met a man who was somewhat but not really the man of her dreams. They were going to get married so why not compromise? Four year into their relationship and several months before they were to marry, he called her and confessed he was gay and that he had affairs. As I listened, I realized that voice was mine.
In my life, I compromised a lot. I compromised my values and tried to harden and coarsen my heart to a degree that would allow me to feel comfortable about all my compromises. You see, God had called me to a higher standard, just like He calls you. But I wanted to ignore it. I wanted to be like the world. Strong girls do this...or strong girls do that.
"But small is the gate and narrow is the road that leads to life, and only a few find it." Matthew 7:14 Only a few. Isn't that sad. Read whats before it. "....Broad is the gate and wide is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it." Matthew 7:13
Purity is one way as a single person that we can enter the narrow gate. God says "Enter the narrow gate."
The world has a different plan for this. TV shows that say it is okay to compromise yourself sexually.
Worse is that the more you compromise, the more numb you become to what God wants for you.
As I look back, I see God has created ashes for beauty. He has allowed me to share my past to show how the tape plays forward. All those hurts, all the pain can be recycled and used "for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose".
So, when asked to just compromise a little today, lie a little today, steal a little today, gossip a little today...be reminded that the path and the gate are narrow. Will you fit?
As I thought and asked God why I started to hear a voice. This voice spoke about compromise. The voice gave a story that broke my heart. A girl who made the decision not to have sex until she was married and while in college, she met a man who was somewhat but not really the man of her dreams. They were going to get married so why not compromise? Four year into their relationship and several months before they were to marry, he called her and confessed he was gay and that he had affairs. As I listened, I realized that voice was mine.
In my life, I compromised a lot. I compromised my values and tried to harden and coarsen my heart to a degree that would allow me to feel comfortable about all my compromises. You see, God had called me to a higher standard, just like He calls you. But I wanted to ignore it. I wanted to be like the world. Strong girls do this...or strong girls do that.
"But small is the gate and narrow is the road that leads to life, and only a few find it." Matthew 7:14 Only a few. Isn't that sad. Read whats before it. "....Broad is the gate and wide is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it." Matthew 7:13
Purity is one way as a single person that we can enter the narrow gate. God says "Enter the narrow gate."
The world has a different plan for this. TV shows that say it is okay to compromise yourself sexually.
Worse is that the more you compromise, the more numb you become to what God wants for you.
As I look back, I see God has created ashes for beauty. He has allowed me to share my past to show how the tape plays forward. All those hurts, all the pain can be recycled and used "for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose".
So, when asked to just compromise a little today, lie a little today, steal a little today, gossip a little today...be reminded that the path and the gate are narrow. Will you fit?
Friday, February 4, 2011
A little bit won't hurt...
There is a battle in my mind. Actually, there is a raging, chaotic war happening and I am exhausted. Mentally exhausted.
For the last four days I have fasted my lunch only eating rice. Plain white rice. No butter. No salt. I am also on a spending fast. Have been for two weeks. Only household essentials and because God called me in His perfect timing, I have only had 97 cents in my account for the past week and a half.
And today the battle started.
All I wanted was a soda. A soda is not apart of my fast. It's a liquid. But I am only going to eat rice and water. What time does my lunch truly end? I could eat it then. Lunch ends around two, right? Food has such a hold on me. The enemy wants me to relent. To fall into temptation and fill myself with guilt, shame and anger. he wants me to fail and stand a failure when my eyes should be focused on God and His provisions.
Then I got paid.
All the things I want to get. A Kindle. A new phone. A soda!
These two things grip my life. I don't spend large amounts of money. But every nickel I have can be on unnecessary items and 96 cent sodas from 7-11. They add up. They take away money from my family.
Obedience.
God's love language.
"If you love me, you will obey what I command." John 14:15
I am seeing how much of a grip this world has on me. Stuff and food. I desire them. I fill myself with them. But that is not what God created me to fill myself with. He designed a hole in me on purpose... so He can fill it. He designed desire in me...to desire more of Him. This broken, sinful world grips me and my priority are off.
I don't need soda. I don't need stuff. But I do need more of Him. I desire to get closer to Him and for Him to break the wants so I only need the needs.
For the last four days I have fasted my lunch only eating rice. Plain white rice. No butter. No salt. I am also on a spending fast. Have been for two weeks. Only household essentials and because God called me in His perfect timing, I have only had 97 cents in my account for the past week and a half.
And today the battle started.
All I wanted was a soda. A soda is not apart of my fast. It's a liquid. But I am only going to eat rice and water. What time does my lunch truly end? I could eat it then. Lunch ends around two, right? Food has such a hold on me. The enemy wants me to relent. To fall into temptation and fill myself with guilt, shame and anger. he wants me to fail and stand a failure when my eyes should be focused on God and His provisions.
Then I got paid.
All the things I want to get. A Kindle. A new phone. A soda!
These two things grip my life. I don't spend large amounts of money. But every nickel I have can be on unnecessary items and 96 cent sodas from 7-11. They add up. They take away money from my family.
Obedience.
God's love language.
"If you love me, you will obey what I command." John 14:15
I am seeing how much of a grip this world has on me. Stuff and food. I desire them. I fill myself with them. But that is not what God created me to fill myself with. He designed a hole in me on purpose... so He can fill it. He designed desire in me...to desire more of Him. This broken, sinful world grips me and my priority are off.
I don't need soda. I don't need stuff. But I do need more of Him. I desire to get closer to Him and for Him to break the wants so I only need the needs.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
SCREAM!
Yesterday was an off day for me. Have you had one of those days. You feel a little tired. A little sore. A little bit of everything. I have those days from time to time and yesterday was definitely one of them. It was a good day. I had an amazing date with my husband. We laughed the whole night. We picked up Penny, brought her home and put her pj's on her and then to bed. She was tired and fell asleep quickly.
As I laid down to sleep, I did a quick inventory of the day. I felt off because I didn't spend time enough time with God and then my daughter. My morning prayer time was filled with "stuff" I needed to get done. I got busy and spent very little time in prayer. I was definitely a Martha!
And then there is Penny. I really didn't see her much and I was too busy in the morning trying to get us ready on time to spend quality time reading to her or playing.
ZZzzzZZz....zzZZZzzz...
Then in the middle of the night I awoke abruptly to the sounds of screams. They were not her normal sleep noises. They were "I am super hungry" screams. I ran downstairs and made a bottle and ran up. I picked her up and she nuzzled in my shoulder and fell asleep. So sweet. So beautiful. She just wanted me to hold her, kiss her and be near her.
When I laid back down, I was nagged with a hunger and desire to be closer to God. My heart was heavy with prayers for new and old friends. Anxiety began to build and I rolled it over onto Him, nuzzled into Him and "quiet me with His love." Zephaniah 3:17. Isn't what makes God amazing. In the middle of the night, we cry to Him and He is instantly there. In the middle of our office, we cry to Him and He is there. At any and all moments, He is there.
As I laid down to sleep, I did a quick inventory of the day. I felt off because I didn't spend time enough time with God and then my daughter. My morning prayer time was filled with "stuff" I needed to get done. I got busy and spent very little time in prayer. I was definitely a Martha!
And then there is Penny. I really didn't see her much and I was too busy in the morning trying to get us ready on time to spend quality time reading to her or playing.
ZZzzzZZz....zzZZZzzz...
Then in the middle of the night I awoke abruptly to the sounds of screams. They were not her normal sleep noises. They were "I am super hungry" screams. I ran downstairs and made a bottle and ran up. I picked her up and she nuzzled in my shoulder and fell asleep. So sweet. So beautiful. She just wanted me to hold her, kiss her and be near her.
When I laid back down, I was nagged with a hunger and desire to be closer to God. My heart was heavy with prayers for new and old friends. Anxiety began to build and I rolled it over onto Him, nuzzled into Him and "quiet me with His love." Zephaniah 3:17. Isn't what makes God amazing. In the middle of the night, we cry to Him and He is instantly there. In the middle of our office, we cry to Him and He is there. At any and all moments, He is there.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Prayer and Petition
Today is day one of a fast for me. My husband and I were impressed to fast not only for the health of a friends child but for other things. Actually, I feel like my heart has been breaking so much lately.
Heartbreak can be a horrible thing. Like when you break up with your boyfriend or you lose a pet. Sometimes it can be a loss of a job and even worse, a loss of a friend or family member. Heartbreak is hard.
Have you ever prayed that God would break your heart? It's a hard prayer. I think you pray it in your most prideful moments. It brings humility and it take you out of your role of "god".
I wish I could say I was super humble and contrite that I pray this prayer often. I have mentioned before that I so struggle with pride. But it seems God knows me better than I know myself. Well, of course He does. He made me! But seriously, God sees that virus of pride infect me and when it does, He breaks my heart.
So during this fast I am not only praying for healing for this beautiful girl. But for other beautiful girls who have no idea how beautiful they are. For girls in pain. For girls struggling with addiction or bulimia as I did. For girls to see how God sees them. I am praying for the women of this generation and generations to come.
If you would, please pray for me. Pray for focus and strength in this time. I am slightly ADD especially when it comes to prayer. But I also know and understand the power of prayer.
Heartbreak can be a horrible thing. Like when you break up with your boyfriend or you lose a pet. Sometimes it can be a loss of a job and even worse, a loss of a friend or family member. Heartbreak is hard.
Have you ever prayed that God would break your heart? It's a hard prayer. I think you pray it in your most prideful moments. It brings humility and it take you out of your role of "god".
I wish I could say I was super humble and contrite that I pray this prayer often. I have mentioned before that I so struggle with pride. But it seems God knows me better than I know myself. Well, of course He does. He made me! But seriously, God sees that virus of pride infect me and when it does, He breaks my heart.
So during this fast I am not only praying for healing for this beautiful girl. But for other beautiful girls who have no idea how beautiful they are. For girls in pain. For girls struggling with addiction or bulimia as I did. For girls to see how God sees them. I am praying for the women of this generation and generations to come.
If you would, please pray for me. Pray for focus and strength in this time. I am slightly ADD especially when it comes to prayer. But I also know and understand the power of prayer.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Grumbley McGrumble is my name!
This morning was a rough morning. Normally, I like to get up, read the Word and pray. Spending time with God always starts my day of right. This morning, that did not happen.
I found myself in a grumbling place. If you have ever read Exodus in the NIV, I think the word "grumbling" is used about a bajillion times. Yeah, I said bajillion. And I was in full HALT...Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired. HALT. I wasn't a pleasant person to be around this morning. Frustrated because things and my family weren't going my way. Trying to impose MY WILL on them. Expecting my poor husband to crawl inside my head and understand my needs. Needless to say, I wasn't nice...I was grumbly! And I was wearing myself out. Physically, I was exhausted, hence the T in HALT.
My perfection was seizing every part of my body and my being. No joy could infiltrate my heart. And God couldn't either. You see, allowing God to work through you is a choice. I can choose to allow God to fill me. I can choose to see things through His eyes. I can choose to call on the Holy Spirit to help and guide me. I chose to seek my own desires. I chose to live in my flesh. I chose to be my own strength. And when that happens, guess what? I fail. Philippians doesn't say I can do all things through me who gives me strength. Oh no! Romans 7:18 reminds me that "...nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good but cannot carry it out." And boy is that true. Instead Philippians says, "I can do ALL things through Christ who give me strength".
So usually on these days I take a redo. Since the LORD's compassions are new everyday (Lamentations 3:22-24) and every moment, I restart the day. I make my amends, pretend my alarm goes off. Press the off button and start over. I am so grateful for that!
I found myself in a grumbling place. If you have ever read Exodus in the NIV, I think the word "grumbling" is used about a bajillion times. Yeah, I said bajillion. And I was in full HALT...Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired. HALT. I wasn't a pleasant person to be around this morning. Frustrated because things and my family weren't going my way. Trying to impose MY WILL on them. Expecting my poor husband to crawl inside my head and understand my needs. Needless to say, I wasn't nice...I was grumbly! And I was wearing myself out. Physically, I was exhausted, hence the T in HALT.
My perfection was seizing every part of my body and my being. No joy could infiltrate my heart. And God couldn't either. You see, allowing God to work through you is a choice. I can choose to allow God to fill me. I can choose to see things through His eyes. I can choose to call on the Holy Spirit to help and guide me. I chose to seek my own desires. I chose to live in my flesh. I chose to be my own strength. And when that happens, guess what? I fail. Philippians doesn't say I can do all things through me who gives me strength. Oh no! Romans 7:18 reminds me that "...nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good but cannot carry it out." And boy is that true. Instead Philippians says, "I can do ALL things through Christ who give me strength".
So usually on these days I take a redo. Since the LORD's compassions are new everyday (Lamentations 3:22-24) and every moment, I restart the day. I make my amends, pretend my alarm goes off. Press the off button and start over. I am so grateful for that!
Friday, January 28, 2011
Spaghetti, again?
So, about a week ago God spoke to my heart and called me out. He convicted me regarding my spending. In our household, we have a really tight budget...I mean really tight! But whenever there is extra money, I will go to Kohl's and get something. Yes, I totally LOVE Kohl's. Well, I think I have been doing a little too much retail therapy, spending any extra dollar that we have on my needs and not thinking at all of the needs of my family. I have been wrapped up in selfishness.
Well, God called me to a spending fast.
Fasts are so hard for me. I recognize they are hard for everyone. If they were easy, they wouldn't be a fast. But my self control is awful. It is so bad that I know that it keeps me from God. However, whenever I have fasted, it has been eye opening and amazing. Why? Because that thing that keeps me from God is removed and I draw even more closer to him.
So, spending fast, here I go. And guess what? It has been amazing to see God's provision for me. I am floored by it. It has actually saved us. My last paycheck was very tight. I mean really tight! Because of the fast, I had just enough money to cover the bills with 97 cents left. But, uh oh, no grocery money. Can I tell you about the manna found in our garage. Tomato sauce, tomato paste and spaghetti. My mom more than likely bought it the last time she came out to visit. We have had spaghetti every night this week. And for lunch, tuna fish. We have tons of tuna fish and canned fruit in our pantry. What's even better is that Dan and I are currently in Genesis and with example of the Israelites, we have worked hard to see God's provision rather than "grumble" as they did. And they did a lot of it!
We could have pulled money from our savings but it was our decision not to do so. We knew that God would provide and that we were not supposed to touch that money. Only for emergencies. Even God made loaves and fishes of Penny's formula.
And what's better is God blessed us with some other meals as well. One day Dan's boss bought him Carl's Jr. Another day, one of the ladies in the office had a left over pan of chicken enchiladas that the office enjoyed. And today, I was at a meeting at we had Fausto's. I am totally basking in God's goodness.
Tomorrow Dan gets paid so our household will be somewhat back to normal. But if God asked me to, I would eat spaghetti again for another week. The lesson of provision He has taught us has been overwhelming.
I am still in my spending fast. No items outside of our family groceries and needs and I am feeling really good. God's blessings are not lost on us. We are shouting his praises!
Well, God called me to a spending fast.
Fasts are so hard for me. I recognize they are hard for everyone. If they were easy, they wouldn't be a fast. But my self control is awful. It is so bad that I know that it keeps me from God. However, whenever I have fasted, it has been eye opening and amazing. Why? Because that thing that keeps me from God is removed and I draw even more closer to him.
So, spending fast, here I go. And guess what? It has been amazing to see God's provision for me. I am floored by it. It has actually saved us. My last paycheck was very tight. I mean really tight! Because of the fast, I had just enough money to cover the bills with 97 cents left. But, uh oh, no grocery money. Can I tell you about the manna found in our garage. Tomato sauce, tomato paste and spaghetti. My mom more than likely bought it the last time she came out to visit. We have had spaghetti every night this week. And for lunch, tuna fish. We have tons of tuna fish and canned fruit in our pantry. What's even better is that Dan and I are currently in Genesis and with example of the Israelites, we have worked hard to see God's provision rather than "grumble" as they did. And they did a lot of it!
We could have pulled money from our savings but it was our decision not to do so. We knew that God would provide and that we were not supposed to touch that money. Only for emergencies. Even God made loaves and fishes of Penny's formula.
And what's better is God blessed us with some other meals as well. One day Dan's boss bought him Carl's Jr. Another day, one of the ladies in the office had a left over pan of chicken enchiladas that the office enjoyed. And today, I was at a meeting at we had Fausto's. I am totally basking in God's goodness.
Tomorrow Dan gets paid so our household will be somewhat back to normal. But if God asked me to, I would eat spaghetti again for another week. The lesson of provision He has taught us has been overwhelming.
I am still in my spending fast. No items outside of our family groceries and needs and I am feeling really good. God's blessings are not lost on us. We are shouting his praises!
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Feelings...Nothing more than Feelings...
Food and feelings go hand in hand when you have food issues. So why as I am doing my daily inventory (that is looking back on the day to do a check of my feelings, events and how I was treated or treated other people. It's a CR thing) do I see a glaring feeling/food event that I totally missed.
When I do my daily inventory, I replay the day in my mind, much like a SportsCenter play by play. As I am going through it, I come to a moment that was very touching. I felt myself wanting to cry and then I pick up a cupcake and stuff it in my face...yes, I stuff it IN MY FACE. A cupcake, for me, that normally takes five to six bites only needed two. YIKES! And what followed? The need to cry was gone. Never have I had such a glaring and tangibly vivid look at myself. And as I replayed it over and over. I could almost hear the play by play, "...and Moorhead picks up the cupcake and eats it. Oh, no! Stike out! I wouldn't be in the locker room after this one." And it became more characterized until finally it was in slow mo. Wow! In that moment, I stuffed myself with a cupcake instead of seeking God and more importantly, feeling my feelings.
Psalm 81:9-10 says
You shall have no foreign god among you;
you shall not bow down to an alien god.
I am the LORD your God,
who brought you up out of Egypt.
Open wide your mouth and I will fill it.
God says open wide your mouth and I will fill it. In my "power" I filled myself with empty calories and a taste that lasts for a moment. A stimulus that does not last. Instead of a divine stimulus that not only lasts but fills.
I needed this moment. I needed a replay that I could vividly remember. A moment that was small and insignificant to others that is of greater importance to me and my relationship with God. You see, it's those moments that matter. Not so much the ones where I am on the floor, pigging out on McDonald's because I had a hard day. It's the smaller, insignificant moments that lead up to those binges!
So I move forward with a greater awareness, my eyes open and a heart ready to be filled by God.
When I do my daily inventory, I replay the day in my mind, much like a SportsCenter play by play. As I am going through it, I come to a moment that was very touching. I felt myself wanting to cry and then I pick up a cupcake and stuff it in my face...yes, I stuff it IN MY FACE. A cupcake, for me, that normally takes five to six bites only needed two. YIKES! And what followed? The need to cry was gone. Never have I had such a glaring and tangibly vivid look at myself. And as I replayed it over and over. I could almost hear the play by play, "...and Moorhead picks up the cupcake and eats it. Oh, no! Stike out! I wouldn't be in the locker room after this one." And it became more characterized until finally it was in slow mo. Wow! In that moment, I stuffed myself with a cupcake instead of seeking God and more importantly, feeling my feelings.
Psalm 81:9-10 says
You shall have no foreign god among you;
you shall not bow down to an alien god.
I am the LORD your God,
who brought you up out of Egypt.
Open wide your mouth and I will fill it.
God says open wide your mouth and I will fill it. In my "power" I filled myself with empty calories and a taste that lasts for a moment. A stimulus that does not last. Instead of a divine stimulus that not only lasts but fills.
I needed this moment. I needed a replay that I could vividly remember. A moment that was small and insignificant to others that is of greater importance to me and my relationship with God. You see, it's those moments that matter. Not so much the ones where I am on the floor, pigging out on McDonald's because I had a hard day. It's the smaller, insignificant moments that lead up to those binges!
So I move forward with a greater awareness, my eyes open and a heart ready to be filled by God.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Nakedness can be a good thing
I am on the worship team for Celebrate Recovery at our church and I totally love it! I love to serve God with my voice, a gift that I used to hate and was embarrassed of. Worship is amazing because it time for us to just praise God and thank Him for everything. It is selfless and full of humility. You can't praise God and praise yourself.
Well, if you know me, you know that I am a cryer. I will cry the moment I see someone's eye get red or I am touched.
It wasn't always that way. As a perfectionist, I stuffed a lot of my feelings. I wouldn't dare show you how I felt. Now, I just can't help it. God spoke to my heart and said, "I am going to humiliate you" and since then, I cry...A LOT!
I was reading Exodus 20 and read something that I must have missed the other times I have read it. At the end of chapter, God tells Moses about altars. He says that need to be made of undressed stones. And then God says "And do not go up to my altar on steps, lest your nakedness be exposed on it." This blew me away.
I read it over and over. This altar needed to be undressed stones because if Moses carved them, then it would be about Moses and his carving ability and how artistic he is. Not showing God's artistry. He made them after all. His artistry is amazing.
Then the steps. Sometimes when I worship, that is exactly how I feel. Completely naked. Completely exposed. And when I am really crying out to God and He moves in a powerful way, I cry. Hard. Five years ago I would be mortified. Ashamed. Angry. But what a blessing to expose all for Him. He warns us. "lest your nakedness be exposed". When we serve in CR. When we share our testimonies. When openly speak of what the world deems shameful...we expose our nakedness.
So, how naked are you today?
http://vimeo.com/19148888
Well, if you know me, you know that I am a cryer. I will cry the moment I see someone's eye get red or I am touched.
It wasn't always that way. As a perfectionist, I stuffed a lot of my feelings. I wouldn't dare show you how I felt. Now, I just can't help it. God spoke to my heart and said, "I am going to humiliate you" and since then, I cry...A LOT!
I was reading Exodus 20 and read something that I must have missed the other times I have read it. At the end of chapter, God tells Moses about altars. He says that need to be made of undressed stones. And then God says "And do not go up to my altar on steps, lest your nakedness be exposed on it." This blew me away.
I read it over and over. This altar needed to be undressed stones because if Moses carved them, then it would be about Moses and his carving ability and how artistic he is. Not showing God's artistry. He made them after all. His artistry is amazing.
Then the steps. Sometimes when I worship, that is exactly how I feel. Completely naked. Completely exposed. And when I am really crying out to God and He moves in a powerful way, I cry. Hard. Five years ago I would be mortified. Ashamed. Angry. But what a blessing to expose all for Him. He warns us. "lest your nakedness be exposed". When we serve in CR. When we share our testimonies. When openly speak of what the world deems shameful...we expose our nakedness.
So, how naked are you today?
http://vimeo.com/19148888
Sunday, January 23, 2011
The Blessing
Yesterday and this morning, I can't stop thinking about blessings. Not necessarily the type of blessings that come, literally, directly from God with no action from us. But blessings that we bestow over each other.
I was at an event yesterday and a Pastor prayed a blessing over the food. I asked myself this, how seriously do I take a blessing? I remember the last time a stranger blessed me.
She was in Wal-mart and I was with my daughter. She was in one of those electric shopping carts and she had huge Chuck Norris earrings. I am not kidding. They were a picture of Chuck Norris with an American flag behind them. She stopped us and told me how beautiful Penny was. Then she prayed a blessing over us. I was touched. I hadn't had a complete stranger do that before...or did it happen before and I missed it.
Then I thought about two people who desired blessings.
The first was Esau. Jacob, putting on an elaborated hairy disguise, took the blessing of the first born. When Esau found out, he desired that his dad bless him. He longed for it. He was passionate for it. Genesis 27:38 says "Esau said to his father, "Do you have only one blessing, my father? Bless me too, my father!" Then Esau wept aloud." I sure he wasn't happy when the blessing included him serving his brother. Well, the Bible says he "held a grudge".
Then there was Pharaoh. After each first born of each Egyptian household was killed, Pharaoh asked for a blessing. (Exodus 12:32)
Blessings are big deals. We should desire them. It calls on and is apart of the power of God. We also should share our blessings. With our families, with our friends and even pray them over the difficult people in our lives as Moses did.
Think about it the next time you hastily say a blessing over your food. The power of the blessing is amazing.
I was at an event yesterday and a Pastor prayed a blessing over the food. I asked myself this, how seriously do I take a blessing? I remember the last time a stranger blessed me.
She was in Wal-mart and I was with my daughter. She was in one of those electric shopping carts and she had huge Chuck Norris earrings. I am not kidding. They were a picture of Chuck Norris with an American flag behind them. She stopped us and told me how beautiful Penny was. Then she prayed a blessing over us. I was touched. I hadn't had a complete stranger do that before...or did it happen before and I missed it.
Then I thought about two people who desired blessings.
The first was Esau. Jacob, putting on an elaborated hairy disguise, took the blessing of the first born. When Esau found out, he desired that his dad bless him. He longed for it. He was passionate for it. Genesis 27:38 says "Esau said to his father, "Do you have only one blessing, my father? Bless me too, my father!" Then Esau wept aloud." I sure he wasn't happy when the blessing included him serving his brother. Well, the Bible says he "held a grudge".
Then there was Pharaoh. After each first born of each Egyptian household was killed, Pharaoh asked for a blessing. (Exodus 12:32)
Blessings are big deals. We should desire them. It calls on and is apart of the power of God. We also should share our blessings. With our families, with our friends and even pray them over the difficult people in our lives as Moses did.
Think about it the next time you hastily say a blessing over your food. The power of the blessing is amazing.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Did you just say chunky?
It's normal to comment on how big a baby is.
"Oh, look your juicy baby!"
"She is so chubby!"
"Your baby it so chunky!'
It's normal to normal people but I have realized in the last couple weeks that those comments have made me question how I am feeding her. So much that my husband, accountability and other close friend have had to encourage me and reassure me that I am not over feeding her.
Why?
A good portion of my life I was bulimic. I popped laxative and downed every diet pill on the market. My self worth was wrapped up in how much I weighed. After I stopped dancing, I didn't want to purge anymore but I never really dealt with why I binged in the first place. That lead to an issue with compulsive overeating.
I am proud to say that I have been in serious recovery, worked the twelve steps for three years and I am viewing myself in a new way, in a new light. But because of the abuse to my body for all those years, not making good choices when it comes to food and not really knowing what a well balance diet looks like, I am still overweight. In recent months, I have met with a dietician to learn how to eat better. Since then I have lost weight, very slowly. My goal is really to lose no more than a pound a week. Sure and steady wins the race.
But lately, I have been trapped in a fear. A fear that I may create a generational curse. Overweight parents breed overweight children. I can't ask Penny to make healthy choices if I am unwilling to do so.
Which brings me to today. While at the pediatrician, I asked how much I should be feeding Penny and if she was overweight. She gave me a funny look and I explained that I was in recovery and I wanted to make sure that I was taking care of Penny properly. She said she was fine, (always good to hear that from a doc) but the look she gave me read, 'You are recovering from bulimia? Ha!'
See how easy it is to let the enemy in. She may have been thinking about balancing the check book or the Bears game this weekend. Who knows! And even if she thought that, who cares! Romans 8:1 tells me there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus. As long as I am being obedient in my choices, whether food or what I watch on TV, God will bless that. It is the enemy that makes me not want to see my progress and fall into self condemnation and then give up. So if Jesus, you know, the Jesus that was apart of the "we" in Genesis and created all that we see. The Jesus who sits at the right hand of the father. You know, God, says there is no condemnation in Him, well it better not be present in me!
Today, a special friend said I looked svelte. I didn't give a proper thank you. Thank you!
I am removing those old tapes. Maybe it's time you did too!
"Oh, look your juicy baby!"
"She is so chubby!"
"Your baby it so chunky!'
It's normal to normal people but I have realized in the last couple weeks that those comments have made me question how I am feeding her. So much that my husband, accountability and other close friend have had to encourage me and reassure me that I am not over feeding her.
Why?
A good portion of my life I was bulimic. I popped laxative and downed every diet pill on the market. My self worth was wrapped up in how much I weighed. After I stopped dancing, I didn't want to purge anymore but I never really dealt with why I binged in the first place. That lead to an issue with compulsive overeating.
I am proud to say that I have been in serious recovery, worked the twelve steps for three years and I am viewing myself in a new way, in a new light. But because of the abuse to my body for all those years, not making good choices when it comes to food and not really knowing what a well balance diet looks like, I am still overweight. In recent months, I have met with a dietician to learn how to eat better. Since then I have lost weight, very slowly. My goal is really to lose no more than a pound a week. Sure and steady wins the race.
But lately, I have been trapped in a fear. A fear that I may create a generational curse. Overweight parents breed overweight children. I can't ask Penny to make healthy choices if I am unwilling to do so.
Which brings me to today. While at the pediatrician, I asked how much I should be feeding Penny and if she was overweight. She gave me a funny look and I explained that I was in recovery and I wanted to make sure that I was taking care of Penny properly. She said she was fine, (always good to hear that from a doc) but the look she gave me read, 'You are recovering from bulimia? Ha!'
See how easy it is to let the enemy in. She may have been thinking about balancing the check book or the Bears game this weekend. Who knows! And even if she thought that, who cares! Romans 8:1 tells me there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus. As long as I am being obedient in my choices, whether food or what I watch on TV, God will bless that. It is the enemy that makes me not want to see my progress and fall into self condemnation and then give up. So if Jesus, you know, the Jesus that was apart of the "we" in Genesis and created all that we see. The Jesus who sits at the right hand of the father. You know, God, says there is no condemnation in Him, well it better not be present in me!
Today, a special friend said I looked svelte. I didn't give a proper thank you. Thank you!
I am removing those old tapes. Maybe it's time you did too!
Monday, January 17, 2011
Jars of Oil...Boxes of Clothes
Today is the day I decide to get Penny's clothes organized. Recently, we received some hand-me-downs and she has grown out of her 12 months clothes (yes, she is only 9 months) and I thought this would be a great day to get organized.
Let's jump back for a moment.
Anytime Penny grows out of one size I start to get worried. Clothes for kids are expensive and they need a lot because they get dirty or have poops. So I get nervous. I start to think, 'How can we change our budget for the month?' or 'What can I cut back on?' I get nervous. This last time I dropped to my knees and said, "God, you know our need for Penny. And since she is yours, could you provide for us?" The next day, someone came up and asked me, "Do you like hand-me-downs?" Boy, do I. Then another person. And then another. We were overwhelmed by the blessings.
Come back to today.
I start organizing clothes and I started to remember Elijah and jars of oil. It is in 1 Kings 17. It is an awesome read if you have a moment. Anyway, he is hungry and comes to this widow and asks for food. She said she only has enough to eat for her and her son and then they will die....That's hungry. So he says, no worries, go home and make me a loaf a bread. God says you will not run out of flour or oil. She did and she didn't run out.
That is how I felt. The clothes kept coming and coming. So many. And then when I thought I was done, I found a bin in her closet full of 18 months through 2 T. A friend had given them to me months prior and I forgot. My oil just keeps coming. So now I have enough to enjoy plus bless a couple of other mom's in the same situation I am in.
God promises to be our my provision.
So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. Matthew 6:31-32.
If you have a need today, ask Him who knows. He will provide.
I just love a good miracle!
Let's jump back for a moment.
Anytime Penny grows out of one size I start to get worried. Clothes for kids are expensive and they need a lot because they get dirty or have poops. So I get nervous. I start to think, 'How can we change our budget for the month?' or 'What can I cut back on?' I get nervous. This last time I dropped to my knees and said, "God, you know our need for Penny. And since she is yours, could you provide for us?" The next day, someone came up and asked me, "Do you like hand-me-downs?" Boy, do I. Then another person. And then another. We were overwhelmed by the blessings.
Come back to today.
I start organizing clothes and I started to remember Elijah and jars of oil. It is in 1 Kings 17. It is an awesome read if you have a moment. Anyway, he is hungry and comes to this widow and asks for food. She said she only has enough to eat for her and her son and then they will die....That's hungry. So he says, no worries, go home and make me a loaf a bread. God says you will not run out of flour or oil. She did and she didn't run out.
That is how I felt. The clothes kept coming and coming. So many. And then when I thought I was done, I found a bin in her closet full of 18 months through 2 T. A friend had given them to me months prior and I forgot. My oil just keeps coming. So now I have enough to enjoy plus bless a couple of other mom's in the same situation I am in.
God promises to be our my provision.
So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. Matthew 6:31-32.
If you have a need today, ask Him who knows. He will provide.
I just love a good miracle!
Sunday, January 16, 2011
The Past and Present Collide
Food sometimes triggers the sense. It also triggers memories.
Last night, I decided to make a some spaghetti sauce and meatballs. I have an amazing recipe for it in a cookbook my mom created. The recipe came from a guy I was once engaged to. The recipe itself brought no memories. Very utilitarian. However, the taste did. It reminded me of a life that seems like it was hundreds of years ago. One where I was a cruel, manipulative, bulimic, backstabbing, self-absorbed person. That person was never really happy, wanted what she couldn't have and the desire for perfection ruled her. She felt very unlovable and the hole in her was as large as Wrigley field. She had family that loved her and friends that loved her but she was just desperate for love.
Why?
Fast forward to today: As I look at what I didn't have then and what I have now I see the answer. A real concrete with God. I was my idol. After all, I was in entertainment. You have to be a self-promoter when you are. Now, don't start posting comments about how all entertainers are not self-absorbed. They may not be. But I was. I saw God as this genie; I pray to Him and gives me what I want. But in the in between times, it was never about Him or His will for me. It was my will all the way and I can make things happen.
What is awesome it this. I see that even though our relationship was a one way street, He has is hand on me the whole time. He had bigger plans for me than being in a great dance company or winning awards or even being on SNL. Sure, all the stuff I got to do, the places I went were awesome. But they were nothing compare to being joy-filled. That stuff was to prepare me for being where I am right now and where I am going to move forward.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jer. 29:11
Even better, I don't live in my past. I don't have to tote around "this is what I did" or "this is what I've done". I am enough. Plain old Veronica is enough. That feels good.
My life is awesome. I have struggles and I have hard times. But I have a Savior who walks me through the struggles and the hard times. Who blesses me with joy. With contentment. With a never ending love. That rocks!
Last night, I decided to make a some spaghetti sauce and meatballs. I have an amazing recipe for it in a cookbook my mom created. The recipe came from a guy I was once engaged to. The recipe itself brought no memories. Very utilitarian. However, the taste did. It reminded me of a life that seems like it was hundreds of years ago. One where I was a cruel, manipulative, bulimic, backstabbing, self-absorbed person. That person was never really happy, wanted what she couldn't have and the desire for perfection ruled her. She felt very unlovable and the hole in her was as large as Wrigley field. She had family that loved her and friends that loved her but she was just desperate for love.
Why?
Fast forward to today: As I look at what I didn't have then and what I have now I see the answer. A real concrete with God. I was my idol. After all, I was in entertainment. You have to be a self-promoter when you are. Now, don't start posting comments about how all entertainers are not self-absorbed. They may not be. But I was. I saw God as this genie; I pray to Him and gives me what I want. But in the in between times, it was never about Him or His will for me. It was my will all the way and I can make things happen.
What is awesome it this. I see that even though our relationship was a one way street, He has is hand on me the whole time. He had bigger plans for me than being in a great dance company or winning awards or even being on SNL. Sure, all the stuff I got to do, the places I went were awesome. But they were nothing compare to being joy-filled. That stuff was to prepare me for being where I am right now and where I am going to move forward.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jer. 29:11
Even better, I don't live in my past. I don't have to tote around "this is what I did" or "this is what I've done". I am enough. Plain old Veronica is enough. That feels good.
My life is awesome. I have struggles and I have hard times. But I have a Savior who walks me through the struggles and the hard times. Who blesses me with joy. With contentment. With a never ending love. That rocks!
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Redefining Beautiful
As I am getting ready for Redefining Beautiful, I keep hearing this song on the radio and I realize that this song is my new theme song. I never really listened to it before but I am so grateful for this reminder.
You are beautiful too!
Doppelgänger...Day Three
So it's day three and my doppelgänger, let's call her Meronica shows up. I call her this because this person cannot truly be me.
Last night we had friends over and in anticipation of having Little Cesar pizza, I made sure that my food choices were focused and directed during the day. I really felt great. Lots of energy and no crazy cravings.
So the evening comes and the pizza is there. I have two slices, feeling very good about my choices, by passing the potato chips and enjoying my caffeine free, diet Sam's choice soda....which is the best diet soda EVER.
We have a great time with our friends and then they leave.
Then Meronica comes.
Without even thinking, I eat another slice, enjoy a bowl of ice cream and head to bed. This food entered my mouth without me even thinking about it. I didn't even pray over it. Meronica shows up and takes over.
Exit yesterday, enter this morning...
I have a headache, I am sluggish, I have a headache, I am grumpy and I keep thinking about yummy yuck foods for my poor body. The combat has begun. And did I suit up this morning? Of course....NOT! Yikes, could I set myself anymore for failure. I am running on fumes because I am missing the bread of life.
So it is time to restart the day. Thank goodness God's mercies are new everyday and every moment if I need it. There is no condemnation is Christ Jesus. The old is gone....pizza, and the new has come....salad.
Last night we had friends over and in anticipation of having Little Cesar pizza, I made sure that my food choices were focused and directed during the day. I really felt great. Lots of energy and no crazy cravings.
So the evening comes and the pizza is there. I have two slices, feeling very good about my choices, by passing the potato chips and enjoying my caffeine free, diet Sam's choice soda....which is the best diet soda EVER.
We have a great time with our friends and then they leave.
Then Meronica comes.
Without even thinking, I eat another slice, enjoy a bowl of ice cream and head to bed. This food entered my mouth without me even thinking about it. I didn't even pray over it. Meronica shows up and takes over.
Exit yesterday, enter this morning...
I have a headache, I am sluggish, I have a headache, I am grumpy and I keep thinking about yummy yuck foods for my poor body. The combat has begun. And did I suit up this morning? Of course....NOT! Yikes, could I set myself anymore for failure. I am running on fumes because I am missing the bread of life.
So it is time to restart the day. Thank goodness God's mercies are new everyday and every moment if I need it. There is no condemnation is Christ Jesus. The old is gone....pizza, and the new has come....salad.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Day two: WOWzers!
Day two..New outlook on food and the attacks have already begun. Now, I can't say if it is the enemy or self-sabotage but they are here. But this is not a post of defeat-ion (which I am aware is not really a word), this is a post of VICTORY.
So, lack of sleep because of the baby having a rough night and my amazing husband says, "Why don't I drop her off at school so you can get ready?" Since both of them were ready and I was still in my jammies I prasied God and sent them out the door. As soon as the garage door shut. A thought passed through my head. Wouldn't a Cadberry egg be nice right now. Not a strong temptation but a bad idea cloaked as a good one. I deserve it, right? Rough night and all.
Yet God is awesome. In the that fleeting moment, I was reminded that "Greater is He that is in me, than he that is in this world." My sword! Dan had prayed the armor on our family and my sword...the Word...came out. God said that when tempted we would have a way out. So as I got ready I kept repeating... "Greater is He that is in me, than he that is in this world." And then "Greater is He that is in me, than he that is in a Cadberry egg."
Even better, my sponsor calls. We talk about the lack of sleep and the baby being up and I felt so much better. Her encouragement just rocks. Godly women are the most beautiful and wonderful women ever!
So, lack of sleep because of the baby having a rough night and my amazing husband says, "Why don't I drop her off at school so you can get ready?" Since both of them were ready and I was still in my jammies I prasied God and sent them out the door. As soon as the garage door shut. A thought passed through my head. Wouldn't a Cadberry egg be nice right now. Not a strong temptation but a bad idea cloaked as a good one. I deserve it, right? Rough night and all.
Yet God is awesome. In the that fleeting moment, I was reminded that "Greater is He that is in me, than he that is in this world." My sword! Dan had prayed the armor on our family and my sword...the Word...came out. God said that when tempted we would have a way out. So as I got ready I kept repeating... "Greater is He that is in me, than he that is in this world." And then "Greater is He that is in me, than he that is in a Cadberry egg."
Even better, my sponsor calls. We talk about the lack of sleep and the baby being up and I felt so much better. Her encouragement just rocks. Godly women are the most beautiful and wonderful women ever!
What a night!
So last night Penny had a bad night. A really bad night. And she was up for a long time...a really long time. I felt so frustrated and I know Dan did too. Nothing we did would soothe her. Teething tablets, oral jell, food. Finally, I thought we should give her some baby pain reliever. With that, she finally calmed down enough to fall asleep. We rubbed her and soothed her.
This morning, as I was taking a shower, I thought about my mom. How she never got upset when I would wake her up in the middle of the night. She would love on me and kiss me. Her patience was amazing. She would always make me feel a little better even though my circumstance hadn't changed.
And then I started to think about all the inconsolable moments in my life. Those moments when I was angry or so depressed and thought the world would end. Moments when I made dumb choices and hated myself. Moments where, if I could, I would dig a whole and just hide 'cause I was done. God was there. Rubbing my back. Telling me how much He loves me. Willing to take my pain. All I needed to do was... is give it to him. I am grateful for a Heavenly Father who loves me despite my tantrums and my self-inflicted pain.
How Great Is Our God!
This morning, as I was taking a shower, I thought about my mom. How she never got upset when I would wake her up in the middle of the night. She would love on me and kiss me. Her patience was amazing. She would always make me feel a little better even though my circumstance hadn't changed.
And then I started to think about all the inconsolable moments in my life. Those moments when I was angry or so depressed and thought the world would end. Moments when I made dumb choices and hated myself. Moments where, if I could, I would dig a whole and just hide 'cause I was done. God was there. Rubbing my back. Telling me how much He loves me. Willing to take my pain. All I needed to do was... is give it to him. I am grateful for a Heavenly Father who loves me despite my tantrums and my self-inflicted pain.
How Great Is Our God!
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Fruit Leather
Found this awesome recipe for fruit leather at Simply Recipes by Elise...
How to Make Fruit Leather
INGREDIENTS
- Fresh fruit (apricots, peaches, plums, berries, apples, pears, grapes)
- Water
- Lemon juice
- Sugar (if needed)
- Spices such as cinnamon and nutmeg (optional)
METHOD
1 Rinse the fruit. If you working with stone fruit, take out the pits, chop the fruit. If working with apples or pears, peel and core them, then chop. If working with grapes, de-stem them.
Taste the fruit before proceeding. Note how sweet the fruit is. If very sweet (ripe Concord grapes for example) you will not need to add any sugar. If still a little tart, you may need to add some sugar in the next step.
2 Place fruit in a large saucepan. Add a half cup of water for every 4 cups of chopped fruit. Bring to a simmer, cover and let cook on a low heat for 10-15 minutes, or until the fruit is cooked through. Uncover and stir. Use a potato masher to mash up the fruit in the pan. Taste the fruit and determine what and how much sugar, lemon juice, or spices to add. Add sugar in small amounts (1 Tbsp at a time if working with 4 cups of fruit), to desired level of sweetness. Add lemon juice one teaspoon at a time to help brighten the flavor of the fruit. Add a pinch or two of cinnamon, nutmeg, or other spices to augment the flavor.
Continue to simmer and stir until any added sugar is completely dissolved and the fruit purée has thickened, another 5 or 10 minutes (or more).
Note if you are working with grapes - strain the juice out of the mashed grapes to make grape juice. Force what is left behind, after straining, through a food mill, to make the purée for the next step.
3 Put the purée through a food mill or chinoise. Alternatively purée it thoroughly in a blender or food processor. Taste again and adjust sugar/lemon/spices if necessary. The purée should be very smooth.
4 Line a rimmed baking sheet with sturdy plastic wrap (the kind that is microwave safe). Pour out the purée into the lined baking sheet to about an 1/8 to 1/4 inch thickness.
5 Place the baking sheet in the oven, try to keep any plastic wrap from touch the sides of the oven or the oven racks. Also try to make sure that the plastic wrap hasn't folded back over on top of the purée. If this happens, the purée won't dry out. Heat the oven to a low 140°F. If you have a convection setting, use it, it will speed up the process and help dry out the purée. Let dry in the oven like this for as long as it takes for the purée to dry out and form fruit leather. We usually keep it in the oven overnight, so about 8-12 hours. The fruit leather is ready when it is no longer sticky, but has a smooth surface.
Alternatives to the oven. If you have a food dehydrator, this would be a great use of it. My mother suggested putting the tray in the weber grill, and leaving covered, in the sun all day. Sounds like a good trick, but I haven't tried it yet. My parents remember the traditional way of making fruit leather was just to tent the tray with some cheesecloth and leave it outside in the sun on a hot day.
6 When the fruit leather is ready, you can easily peel it up from the plastic wrap. To store it, roll it in its plastic wrap, put it in an airtight container and store in the refrigerator or freezer.
4 cups of fruit yield about one baking sheet of fruit leather.
Day one....Oh Boy!
So, I am in day one of my new journey with Made to Crave. So far, this book is amazing. I am already in Chapter 3 and I am not a fast reader.This book is wearing me out and both are so related.
Can I tell you why I love Made to Crave? It has given me an awareness of food that I didn't have before. I knew that I would use food to replace my desire for God. To be my comfort and my protection. Yet I didn't really know that I used food to replace God. Does that make sense? It was a level of denial that I was living in that as my eyes are now opened, I see that every hunger craving for high fructose corn syrup was first a craving for satisfaction, comfort, love, protection, caring that God was to provide. Instead, I fill my mouth and my heart with cinnamon sugar donuts and soda.
Reality stinks! And I don't want to live in the insanity of food...eating and eating more, expecting to go down to a size 8!
So, when those cravings come, I have started to pray:
God, help me to desire you rather than a Cadberry egg.
Inspire me to start REALLY taking care of myself.
And using scripture has really helped...
I cast my anxiety [about food] on you because you care for me!
I know my spirit is willing, but my body is weak so please help me to make good choices.
I will take every thought about cheeseburgers captive.
It sounds funny but I am not trying to be funny. I am really focused on making God the Lord of my life again. The idol of food must be torn down and I am embarrassed to say that I have worship it for too long.
So my new journey begins. And I know there will be roadblocks. I totally forgot to bring my lunch today. My amazing salad is sitting on my kitchen counter, getting warm and gathering dust. So know my prayer looks like this...
God, help me to go to the grocery store and make choices that will uplift my temple...since your Spirit lives in it, I wanna make sure it's up to code.
Can I tell you why I love Made to Crave? It has given me an awareness of food that I didn't have before. I knew that I would use food to replace my desire for God. To be my comfort and my protection. Yet I didn't really know that I used food to replace God. Does that make sense? It was a level of denial that I was living in that as my eyes are now opened, I see that every hunger craving for high fructose corn syrup was first a craving for satisfaction, comfort, love, protection, caring that God was to provide. Instead, I fill my mouth and my heart with cinnamon sugar donuts and soda.
Reality stinks! And I don't want to live in the insanity of food...eating and eating more, expecting to go down to a size 8!
So, when those cravings come, I have started to pray:
God, help me to desire you rather than a Cadberry egg.
Inspire me to start REALLY taking care of myself.
And using scripture has really helped...
I cast my anxiety [about food] on you because you care for me!
I know my spirit is willing, but my body is weak so please help me to make good choices.
I will take every thought about cheeseburgers captive.
It sounds funny but I am not trying to be funny. I am really focused on making God the Lord of my life again. The idol of food must be torn down and I am embarrassed to say that I have worship it for too long.
So my new journey begins. And I know there will be roadblocks. I totally forgot to bring my lunch today. My amazing salad is sitting on my kitchen counter, getting warm and gathering dust. So know my prayer looks like this...
God, help me to go to the grocery store and make choices that will uplift my temple...since your Spirit lives in it, I wanna make sure it's up to code.
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