So, I wanted to bean entertainer. My father, a jazz vocalist/musician was an entertainer. It is in my DNA. I see it in my daughter who while at the Outback Steakhouse decided to stop at each and perform a song and dance while walking to the bathroom. They were not amused but it tickled me. The desire to perform became warped and twisted with desire to be praised and worshiped. I loved the applause and attention not because it encouraged me but because it inflated me. I was my biggest fan. It was all about what I could do and who I was. I was on the throne..
I was empty and hallow. My life was falling apart. No amount of praise or applause could fix who I was or what I had to deal with off stage. Self hatred, fear, anxiety, depression... It was all about me and "me" was a cesspool.
Act II
At my lowest and my worst I could not even stand the smell, look or thought of me. God stepped in. My pride had trapped me and the battle it was winning. But God is bigger. He took my cesspool and began to clean it. For Him to do that, I had to decide that this show if life wasn't all about me. I had to get over myself. That praise I desired was redirected to where it naturally should have been...to He who created thee.
Why do I write this?
I was reminded by this when I watch a video on Facebook of a Christian performer I admired. When I truly gave Christ my life, he was an actor on a major sketch show that I looked up to. He the reputation of putting Jesus first and not crossing lines that the comedic world said he should. I was excited and honored to meet him and work with him stage managing a show he was performing in. But what I this morning pained me. The Holy Spirit pinged my heart...don't watch this. But I watched anyway. Ugh...
God has placed a vision in front of me. Its large. It scares me. But it's not all about me. As much as I need to guard my heart and cleanse my mind from what I saw this morning...saw and read...boo...it was the why of the call. The call out of darkness. The call out of emptiness. The call into grace and love...
For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 6:23
