""Abba, Father," he said, "everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will." Mark 14:36
It's hard to share this for some reason. I have been in recovery for seven years. I have focused on a program of putting Jesus first and working through my codependency. If you came to a Celebrate Recovery open share group with me, you would hear me identify myself as a grateful believer struggling with codependency and compulsive overeating. But after finding myself binging on all the Easter candy the week BEFORE Easter, I realized that I haven't been working a program of recovery for my food addiction....ever! I tried to make myself believe I have. If you cannot define abstinence is you area of recovery, then you are not working as program. It has been all about "my will God, not yours". At Easter, a time where dying to myself should be even clearer than ever, I found myself wrapped in shame, guilt an unmanageability.
It's time for me to really die to myself.
On that night, Jesus knew what was going to happen. He was grieved. He was going to die. But He chose God's will over His. How willing am I to do this? God's will for me is not to worship food. It's not to be in full withdrawal or overcome with cravings for a cookie. His will for me freedom.
"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." Galatians 5:1
Food is my "again" yoke.
In my heart, I know the conversation has been like this...
Me: But look God, I have given you most of me. Pert near 99%. I just want food to be mine. That's all.
God: I want all of you Veronica.
Me: Ok, but I will just keep this.
God: All means all. Don't you think I want what's better for you?
In my heart, I know the conversation has been like this...
Me: But look God, I have given you most of me. Pert near 99%. I just want food to be mine. That's all.
God: I want all of you Veronica.
Me: Ok, but I will just keep this.
God: All means all. Don't you think I want what's better for you?
I understand addiction in a deeper way now. And it seems embarrassing to admit but I know that transparency can bring new life.
Step One: I am powerless over food and my life has become unmanageable.
God, I want to give you all. I'm done with doing it my way. You want what is better for me than I could ever want for myself.
Your will, not mine.
Your will, not mine.
