Penny and I were out running errands today and we passed by the Spirit Halloween store. After seeing a sign that said "50% off" I thought it would be a great idea to stop in and see if they had the cat ears for her costume. Once we crossed the threshold, I knew the decision to go in was a huge mistake. There were severed torsos, creepy monsters and more at ever turn.
However, she did not even see the scariness of the store. It wasn't until we were leaving that she saw an animatronic wolf with a severed hand and glowing eyes that she stopped in her path.
"Mommy, that wolf is scaring me!"
My heart stopped. What had I exposed my sweet daughter to? I didn't know what to say. What came out next baffled me.
"Wolfie no wolfing! Wolfie no wolfing! Wolfie no wolfing!" I yelled as I shook my hand at it. Penny joined me in the chant. Then I looked at her and said, "Tell him to smile so he won't look so scary". She took my advice.
In the car, we talked about how sometimes people may look different or even scary, but they are really great and wonderful people. I thought of 2 Timothy where it says, "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self‑discipline. (2 Timothy 1:7 NIV84). I prayed over her know that she cannot unsee what she saw but that God would rewrite it for her in her mind as a lesson of love.
It was a great reminder for me. When I start to fear my surroundings or circumstances, I am taking my eyes of what God may have for me. Possibly a lesson in love.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Friday, October 26, 2012
That's what friends are for...so turn off the old tapes!
Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart,and the pleasantness of one's friend springs from his earnest counsel. (Proverbs 27:9 NIV84)
I woke up this morning thinking about the game concentration. I played it at sleepovers with my friends. Once it was nighttime, you would close your eyes. Then your friend would tap your shoulders and say, "Concentrate! Concentrate! People dying. Children crying. Concentrate!" I know, what a positive and uplifting game. Then their would be a choice of different things you could do. "There's a knife in you back! Stab it! Feel the blood trickling down." Now, if you have your eyes closed and depending how into the game your friend was, it felt like you were stabbed and something was running down your back. In truth, it was your friend punching you in the back and tickling their fingers down your back and depending how into it they were, you could walk away with a bruise. It felt like you were stabbed and mortal and mortally bleeding. In reality, you were fine.
Feelings are not our reality. They are feelings.
This past weekend, God exposed some massive hurts in my heart. Two very close friends that knew my heart and then hurt me. One was in middle school. She was my very best friend and then one day she told me she didn't want to be friends. We were going to high school and she wanted new friends. The second was my best friend as an adult. Then one day, he stopped talking to me. I even felt weird stares and heard giggles as I passed by our other friends. I felt they knew my deepest and darkest secrets that I only told to him. Because of theses deep hurts, I insulated my heart. Protected it. No friend could go that deep again. I had been mortally wounded and would not allow that to happen again. Yet, I desired and prayed for a deep relationship.
I recently was blessed with a friend who was what I prayed for. She is not only my accountability, but she is my sister. Without knowing it, God removed my insulation and protection. This weekend I was encountered old feelings and tapes. Will she hurt me like they did? I subconsciously started to pushed her away. I could not have that happen again. In a very short period of time and through prayer, God showed me what was happening. That I was pasting old feelings onto my new, healthy friendship. I am not the same person and she was not the two friends that hurt me. It's interesting to me how we can get stuck in old tapes very easily. How we can paste old hurts onto new people. How we can get stuck very quickly in our old selves.
Ephesians talks about that we need to "...put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness." (Ephesians 4:22-24 NIV84)
I talked with my dear sister and told her what God had revealed to me. I told her about how I was hurt. I bore my heart to her and my gratitude that God had brought her in my life. I know God blessed me with her friendship.
Trust is hard. My heart and trust can easily be broken again. But the rewards of a lasting friendship is totally worth the possibility of being hurt again.
I woke up this morning thinking about the game concentration. I played it at sleepovers with my friends. Once it was nighttime, you would close your eyes. Then your friend would tap your shoulders and say, "Concentrate! Concentrate! People dying. Children crying. Concentrate!" I know, what a positive and uplifting game. Then their would be a choice of different things you could do. "There's a knife in you back! Stab it! Feel the blood trickling down." Now, if you have your eyes closed and depending how into the game your friend was, it felt like you were stabbed and something was running down your back. In truth, it was your friend punching you in the back and tickling their fingers down your back and depending how into it they were, you could walk away with a bruise. It felt like you were stabbed and mortal and mortally bleeding. In reality, you were fine.
Feelings are not our reality. They are feelings.
This past weekend, God exposed some massive hurts in my heart. Two very close friends that knew my heart and then hurt me. One was in middle school. She was my very best friend and then one day she told me she didn't want to be friends. We were going to high school and she wanted new friends. The second was my best friend as an adult. Then one day, he stopped talking to me. I even felt weird stares and heard giggles as I passed by our other friends. I felt they knew my deepest and darkest secrets that I only told to him. Because of theses deep hurts, I insulated my heart. Protected it. No friend could go that deep again. I had been mortally wounded and would not allow that to happen again. Yet, I desired and prayed for a deep relationship.
I recently was blessed with a friend who was what I prayed for. She is not only my accountability, but she is my sister. Without knowing it, God removed my insulation and protection. This weekend I was encountered old feelings and tapes. Will she hurt me like they did? I subconsciously started to pushed her away. I could not have that happen again. In a very short period of time and through prayer, God showed me what was happening. That I was pasting old feelings onto my new, healthy friendship. I am not the same person and she was not the two friends that hurt me. It's interesting to me how we can get stuck in old tapes very easily. How we can paste old hurts onto new people. How we can get stuck very quickly in our old selves.
Ephesians talks about that we need to "...put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness." (Ephesians 4:22-24 NIV84)
I talked with my dear sister and told her what God had revealed to me. I told her about how I was hurt. I bore my heart to her and my gratitude that God had brought her in my life. I know God blessed me with her friendship.
Trust is hard. My heart and trust can easily be broken again. But the rewards of a lasting friendship is totally worth the possibility of being hurt again.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Groundhog's Day
After taking time to reflect on retreat, I realized that my personal circumstances were the same as last year. Both this year and last year I was healing from a miscarriage. Last year, I gave birth to Phoebe Mae at 20 weeks though she was only 18 weeks. And this year I miscarried at seven weeks with a blighted ovum...a yoke sac with no baby.
I have received so much healing from all my miscarriages. I say all because I have had three total: March 17, 2011 Sept 17, 2011 and now Sept 19, 2012. Despite these circumstances, and after opening my heart wide open to God and expressing my true feelings regardless of how ugly they were, u have so much hope. It required me to get real with God. If He is my friend and He knows what is in my heart, there is no way I can heal if I don't speak out how I truly feel and allow myself to be raw and transparent with God.
A woman this weekend asked about my joy...how do you have that joy. Well, looking back on how far God has taken me, the joy I have is from remembering His promises despite how terrible things may be. Also, it requires remembering memorials: He brought me through my addictions including bulimia. He was with me while my husband was in rehab. He comforted me during my pregnancy with Penny and possible issues. He restored my body over and over through a series of miracles. He knows the tears I've cried. He had seen my heart break. He has provided for ever financial need I have. And though I feel sometimes like I am invisible to Him, unlovable and worse, He gently reminds me that He sees me and He loves me in amazing supernatural and tangible ways, like this weekend.
Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 NIV)
Through several loving sister this weekend I was reminded of this and I am grateful for the good and the bad. It fertilizes my joy.
I have received so much healing from all my miscarriages. I say all because I have had three total: March 17, 2011 Sept 17, 2011 and now Sept 19, 2012. Despite these circumstances, and after opening my heart wide open to God and expressing my true feelings regardless of how ugly they were, u have so much hope. It required me to get real with God. If He is my friend and He knows what is in my heart, there is no way I can heal if I don't speak out how I truly feel and allow myself to be raw and transparent with God.
A woman this weekend asked about my joy...how do you have that joy. Well, looking back on how far God has taken me, the joy I have is from remembering His promises despite how terrible things may be. Also, it requires remembering memorials: He brought me through my addictions including bulimia. He was with me while my husband was in rehab. He comforted me during my pregnancy with Penny and possible issues. He restored my body over and over through a series of miracles. He knows the tears I've cried. He had seen my heart break. He has provided for ever financial need I have. And though I feel sometimes like I am invisible to Him, unlovable and worse, He gently reminds me that He sees me and He loves me in amazing supernatural and tangible ways, like this weekend.
Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 NIV)
Through several loving sister this weekend I was reminded of this and I am grateful for the good and the bad. It fertilizes my joy.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
My super power - invisibility!
Do you remember when you were a kid thinking about what super power you might have if you were a superhero? (Ok, some of us think about that now!) I knew exactly what mine was...invisibility. Actually, I was my super power. Yes, I am a superhero... Invisible Girl...away!!!! No, not really but I felt I had it. As a teen and a young adult I felt very invisible. I felt like no one could really see me. There were times people had full conversations in front of me as if I wasn't there. Or the automatic doors at the supermarket would not detect me. Or the automatic potty's and faucets at the airport would not flush or turn on. Worse, I thought no one could truly see my broken heart. Maybe no one cared. I was depressed. I hated myself. I saw no good in me at all. So why should I exist?
I think a lot of us feel that way. Invisible. Sometimes we make ourselves invisible - I do not want you to see me. Sometimes we feel so isolated that we are encased in invisibility. We are trapped in cell. Alone. I understand that feeling. We were not built to be alone. That is why it hurts so bad. We may think we are alone but we're not.
God sees us. More so, He sees our hearts. And sometimes our hearts lead us to think we are nothing, alone, junk...God says otherwise.
If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything. (1 John 3:20 NIV)
Your not invisible. You never will be. God knows everything, yet still loves you. So today, lock eyes with someone, say "Good morning!"as if to say through your eyes, 'I see you and you are loved. You are not invisible but cherished.' You may save a life.
I think a lot of us feel that way. Invisible. Sometimes we make ourselves invisible - I do not want you to see me. Sometimes we feel so isolated that we are encased in invisibility. We are trapped in cell. Alone. I understand that feeling. We were not built to be alone. That is why it hurts so bad. We may think we are alone but we're not.
God sees us. More so, He sees our hearts. And sometimes our hearts lead us to think we are nothing, alone, junk...God says otherwise.
If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything. (1 John 3:20 NIV)
Your not invisible. You never will be. God knows everything, yet still loves you. So today, lock eyes with someone, say "Good morning!"as if to say through your eyes, 'I see you and you are loved. You are not invisible but cherished.' You may save a life.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
My campaign promise is this - to edify you!
The political season has to be one of my favorites. You know why? About two years ago my husband and I decided we could not feasibly have satellite or cable. We got rid of it and purchased rabbit ears and my mother blessed us with a Roku box. We watch mostly Netflix and we get our news from the Internet. So why do I love this season? Very little ads. I probably would hear or see none if I cut out Pandora and Allrecipes.com. Yeah, I said Allrecipes! Obama purchased all the ad space for them for about two weeks. It was terribly annoying.
Political ads make me really hate elections. I can't stand ads like, " So and so says he will do this but did you know he hates his mother? Is this a person you want in office?" Ok that's an exaggeration but it is not too far off the mark. I would rather just hear about what you want to do. It would awesome if they said something nice about the other candidate. " So and so is a great dad and husband. He did a good job. I think I can do better!" Wow!
Facebook is making the process even more dislikeable. Yeah, I made that word up. I have a hard time listening to people attack each other repeatedly. Just ripping someone's character apart. And the people who are running are not the ones who are the worst at this. It is the supporters who call others stupid and ignorant. Who judge the motives of someone's heart regardless if the even have met that person face to face.
Now I have a hard time because it triggers me. I fight pride and judgement daily. It is pretty much in my DNA and I hate it. It reminds me of Paul talking about doing the very thing he doesn't was to do. I hate but I can slip into it very quickly like and old pair of perfectly broken in shoes. So when I see people tearing each other down, I get triggered. I have to check my tongue and tone. I have to guard my heart. I need to watch and pray that I do not fall into temptation. My spirit may be willing, but my body is weak. More so I think of what James 1 says: My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you. Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. (James 1:19-22 NIV) I have to live out what is planted in me. Let the fruit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self control- i.e. my tongue, blossom.
It's a choice. Either you choose to be quick to listen, slow to speak and become angry or you allow the anti- fruits to flourish- malice, anger, so on and so on.
What kind of fruit are you bearing?
Political ads make me really hate elections. I can't stand ads like, " So and so says he will do this but did you know he hates his mother? Is this a person you want in office?" Ok that's an exaggeration but it is not too far off the mark. I would rather just hear about what you want to do. It would awesome if they said something nice about the other candidate. " So and so is a great dad and husband. He did a good job. I think I can do better!" Wow!
Facebook is making the process even more dislikeable. Yeah, I made that word up. I have a hard time listening to people attack each other repeatedly. Just ripping someone's character apart. And the people who are running are not the ones who are the worst at this. It is the supporters who call others stupid and ignorant. Who judge the motives of someone's heart regardless if the even have met that person face to face.
Now I have a hard time because it triggers me. I fight pride and judgement daily. It is pretty much in my DNA and I hate it. It reminds me of Paul talking about doing the very thing he doesn't was to do. I hate but I can slip into it very quickly like and old pair of perfectly broken in shoes. So when I see people tearing each other down, I get triggered. I have to check my tongue and tone. I have to guard my heart. I need to watch and pray that I do not fall into temptation. My spirit may be willing, but my body is weak. More so I think of what James 1 says: My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you. Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. (James 1:19-22 NIV) I have to live out what is planted in me. Let the fruit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self control- i.e. my tongue, blossom.
It's a choice. Either you choose to be quick to listen, slow to speak and become angry or you allow the anti- fruits to flourish- malice, anger, so on and so on.
What kind of fruit are you bearing?
Thursday, September 6, 2012
An open letter to Weight Watchers
Dear Weight Watchers,
First, I want to apologize for not writing sooner. Life became busy and I pushed this to the side. More so, I would like to apologize for not taking speaking up the evening this happened. In this digital age, face to face confrontation is rare but it is the way it should be. And really, I got scared.
I want you to know how grateful I am for your program. The first time I joined I lost almost 50 pounds! I felt great and had a greater awareness of what I put in my body. Your program has helped so many change their lives for years. Thank you.
I wanted to write you about the very last time I went to a meeting. It was the evening I quit. At the end of the meeting, the leader passed out a headless (meaning the top of the picture was cut off, not an actually headless person. If so, it would have been more that my last meeting) obese woman. He said, what are you thought? I listened to the group cut this defenseless woman down.
"She is disgusting."
"She is uncomfortable."
"Uh, I can't even look at her!"
Then a woman shared that she was recently on a cruise and saw many people "like her" gorging themselves.
At that moment, I became aware of where I was. A meeting where people who are overweight and obese come to support each other in losing weight. I became overwhelmed by the judgement. There were a lot of plank filled eyes looking at a defenseless speck. I am a judgmental person. I don't want to be but I am. In that moment I was very convicted of my judgmental life. I hate that part of me and I fight it. Sometimes successfully and sometimes not. The moment felt rude, unkind, boastful...everything that love isn't. I left the meeting feeling very hurt and sad for this poor woman. Did she give permission for that picture? Was she in the meeting? The leader was a man so it wasn't him. Does she know what happened? I wonder what she is like? More so, I was angriest because I didn't stand up and defend her.
I felt I needed to write this and let you know why I left. I never gave a reason for my departure and I like to leave things with joy. We cut and tear people down all the time based on a moment in their lives. Never taking time to understand or see the backstory. I do it all the time and I hate that side of me. If only we saw each other as God does and in these worse moments loved people like He does.
Again, I am grateful for your program and pray you have continued success.
Love,
Veronica
P.S. When I saw the picture, I judge her too and I think I wrote this more for me than you.
First, I want to apologize for not writing sooner. Life became busy and I pushed this to the side. More so, I would like to apologize for not taking speaking up the evening this happened. In this digital age, face to face confrontation is rare but it is the way it should be. And really, I got scared.
I want you to know how grateful I am for your program. The first time I joined I lost almost 50 pounds! I felt great and had a greater awareness of what I put in my body. Your program has helped so many change their lives for years. Thank you.
I wanted to write you about the very last time I went to a meeting. It was the evening I quit. At the end of the meeting, the leader passed out a headless (meaning the top of the picture was cut off, not an actually headless person. If so, it would have been more that my last meeting) obese woman. He said, what are you thought? I listened to the group cut this defenseless woman down.
"She is disgusting."
"She is uncomfortable."
"Uh, I can't even look at her!"
Then a woman shared that she was recently on a cruise and saw many people "like her" gorging themselves.
At that moment, I became aware of where I was. A meeting where people who are overweight and obese come to support each other in losing weight. I became overwhelmed by the judgement. There were a lot of plank filled eyes looking at a defenseless speck. I am a judgmental person. I don't want to be but I am. In that moment I was very convicted of my judgmental life. I hate that part of me and I fight it. Sometimes successfully and sometimes not. The moment felt rude, unkind, boastful...everything that love isn't. I left the meeting feeling very hurt and sad for this poor woman. Did she give permission for that picture? Was she in the meeting? The leader was a man so it wasn't him. Does she know what happened? I wonder what she is like? More so, I was angriest because I didn't stand up and defend her.
I felt I needed to write this and let you know why I left. I never gave a reason for my departure and I like to leave things with joy. We cut and tear people down all the time based on a moment in their lives. Never taking time to understand or see the backstory. I do it all the time and I hate that side of me. If only we saw each other as God does and in these worse moments loved people like He does.
Again, I am grateful for your program and pray you have continued success.
Love,
Veronica
P.S. When I saw the picture, I judge her too and I think I wrote this more for me than you.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Walking Trees
They came to Bethsaida, and some people brought a blind man and begged Jesus to touch him. He took the blind man by the hand and led him outside the village. When he had spit on the man’s eyes and put his hands on him, Jesus asked, “Do you see anything?”
He looked up and said, “I see people; they look like trees walking around.”
Once more Jesus put his hands on the man’s eyes. Then his eyes were opened, his sight was restored, and he saw everything clearly.Jesus sent him home, saying, “Don’t go into the village.” Mark 8: 22-26
I was in Sam's Club a couple of weeks ago. I purchased my glasses from them and I needed to get them adjusted. While Dan and Penny ventured through the store, I stood in front waiting for my glasses to get fixed. I have pretty poor eye sight and really need them to see. I tried to figure out what I was looking at and make out the blobs of people pass by. I can see color and shapes but absolutely no detail unless it is about a foot from my face. It is hard to explain but I know my myopic friends understand.
As I stood there, I thought of one of the blind men Jesus healed. Some people brought him to Jesus for a healing. Jesus did an amazing healing that was kind of gross. He spit on his eyes and laid hands on him. When He asked if he saw anything, the blind man replied, "I see people; they look like trees walking around." As I thought about this, I was overcome. I am not blind. If I had to, I could function without my glasses. I wouldn't be able to drive nor fly a plane...yikes...but I could see. This man's sight was restored to my eye sight without my glasses. To not see and then be able to see as well as I do is an amazing miracle. I am sure if it ended there, the man would would have been overjoyed and ran away doing a heel click or two! But it doesn't end there.
Jesus puts his hands on this man's eyes again and his sight was restored....completely and clearly!
When I think about this amazing miracle, I think about how Jesus doesn't just bring one miracle but many! Sometimes we get so myopic that we think that the restoration is complete. There is no more that He can do in us. But He says there is more. You just need to get a little dirtier before the complete healing comes. Or covered in more spit.
Then Jesus sends him home. A reminder that when we are touched by God the importance of sharing that touch with our families. We need to share so they can rejoice in the miracle. More importantly, sharing what God has done for us can open the blind eyes of the people closest to us to the possibility of miracles found in believing and surrendering to Jesus.
That is some goodness!
Thursday, June 7, 2012
I screwed up...
I am not perfect. But tonight, I am beginning to realize that I do portray myself to be such. Even more, I think I have believed my own hype. It is embarrassing and I am totally ashamed. I made a huge mistake and broke trust. I feel like I let down myself, my family and our standard and most of all, God.
Psalm 18:27 says God will rescue the humble and humiliate the proud. I feel broken and humiliated. Naked before God and men.
Good news...
God loves me, I matter to Him and He has the power to help me recover. His grace covers me. I asked Him for forgiveness and He forgave me. I made amends. Now to work on forgiving myself.
Psalm 18:27 says God will rescue the humble and humiliate the proud. I feel broken and humiliated. Naked before God and men.
Good news...
God loves me, I matter to Him and He has the power to help me recover. His grace covers me. I asked Him for forgiveness and He forgave me. I made amends. Now to work on forgiving myself.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Can my husband trust me if I party all night?
Her husband can trust her,
and she will greatly enrich his life. Proverbs 31:11
Before I gave my life to Christ, I used to grumble about my husband. He was an active alcoholic then. He did not treat me right. He was mean to me. I ran from him...a lot. I would work as much as possible and hang out all night with my friends, go dancing, get drunk so I could avoid my husband. He's the problem...right? First hint...notice all the me, me me's!
Isn't it amazing who "me" centered life can get?
Even though there were bad things going on with him, I was just as bad. Do I need to go through the list...Ummm, let's see...overworking, avoiding problems, hanging out all night, cruel, mean, self-centered, abusive and let us not forget the drunk part. So even though I could create a list on him, he definitely could create and list on me. Is this one of those, "log in the eye" moments Jesus talked about?
To say all of that, I was not the wife described above. Upon entering the house at 4 am with no phone call of where I was, I gave my husband no reason to trust me. Actually, I was not even thinking about any courtesy to him. I was so focused on me.
So now, as a woman who working to be a woman of God, I see the need to elevate others, especially my husband, above myself. Romans 12:9-10 says, "Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves." Earlier, Paul even says "Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment" (v3).
That requires that no matter what my husband says or does, (which by the way, he is extraordinary!) "I honor him and show him my honor and respect. If he is wrong, God will take care of it. I need to allow God to do his job. "Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath.." (v17-19) Ladies, this is for the husband, the people in our lives, who believe in God and the ones who don't. WOW!
It seems I digress but really I am not. What builds trust? I believe trust is partially built through humility. As I humble myself, get over myself and stop believing the "Veronica hype" that I may be all that and a bag of chips and my needs are MOST important, I elevate others, highlight them and honor them. But first and foremost my husband. Then I will find a husband who will fulfill EVERY need, who trusts me and whose life is greatly enriched. :)
and she will greatly enrich his life. Proverbs 31:11
Before I gave my life to Christ, I used to grumble about my husband. He was an active alcoholic then. He did not treat me right. He was mean to me. I ran from him...a lot. I would work as much as possible and hang out all night with my friends, go dancing, get drunk so I could avoid my husband. He's the problem...right? First hint...notice all the me, me me's!
Isn't it amazing who "me" centered life can get?
Even though there were bad things going on with him, I was just as bad. Do I need to go through the list...Ummm, let's see...overworking, avoiding problems, hanging out all night, cruel, mean, self-centered, abusive and let us not forget the drunk part. So even though I could create a list on him, he definitely could create and list on me. Is this one of those, "log in the eye" moments Jesus talked about?
To say all of that, I was not the wife described above. Upon entering the house at 4 am with no phone call of where I was, I gave my husband no reason to trust me. Actually, I was not even thinking about any courtesy to him. I was so focused on me.
So now, as a woman who working to be a woman of God, I see the need to elevate others, especially my husband, above myself. Romans 12:9-10 says, "Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves." Earlier, Paul even says "Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment" (v3).
That requires that no matter what my husband says or does, (which by the way, he is extraordinary!) "I honor him and show him my honor and respect. If he is wrong, God will take care of it. I need to allow God to do his job. "Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath.." (v17-19) Ladies, this is for the husband, the people in our lives, who believe in God and the ones who don't. WOW!
It seems I digress but really I am not. What builds trust? I believe trust is partially built through humility. As I humble myself, get over myself and stop believing the "Veronica hype" that I may be all that and a bag of chips and my needs are MOST important, I elevate others, highlight them and honor them. But first and foremost my husband. Then I will find a husband who will fulfill EVERY need, who trusts me and whose life is greatly enriched. :)
Monday, May 14, 2012
Noble what?
A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies. Proverbs 31:10
Nobility is totally lost on today's western culture. It mostly can be seen in the way that "rag mag's" cover European monarchies. Full of rumors, pics and gossip, these magazines and magazine shows often look to find the worst and dirtiest secrets of the elite. Because of this, the idea and concepts of nobility have less weight or importance. So I find myself in this day and age of anything goes asking myself...what is noble.
Noble is defined as one distinguished by rank or title, pertaining to persons so distinguished but more importantly, a person of exalted moral or mental character or excellence. High-minded, lofty and elevated are synonyms.
Looking at this definition, yes, a woman of noble character is worth far more than rubies. By the way, a good ruby runs about $1,800 for .41ct. Yikes!
Based of of this one verse, the Proverbs 31 woman is one who makes a choice to put God first because she is high-minded. She seeks growth because she exalted mentally but even more so, she go deep into the Word, the Bible, because the way to distinguish what is moral and not is to know what God says. She seeks God because she exalted morally and because she does all of this, her husband, family, friends and the people around her count her more precious and more valuable than 150 pounds of rubies...and then some. Remember, "every good and perfect gift come from the Father of heavenly lights who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17
I am on a quest to understand, to know and to grow into the Proverbs 31 woman.
I am tired of being the "other" woman described in Proverbs to my husband and family. You know what I am talking about...
It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.
Proverbs 29:1
It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman.
Proverbs 21:19
Just to name a few!
I don't want my husband or family to characterize me this way. And if that is what I want, I need to understand her and incorporate her in my life :)
She is worth far more than rubies. Proverbs 31:10
Nobility is totally lost on today's western culture. It mostly can be seen in the way that "rag mag's" cover European monarchies. Full of rumors, pics and gossip, these magazines and magazine shows often look to find the worst and dirtiest secrets of the elite. Because of this, the idea and concepts of nobility have less weight or importance. So I find myself in this day and age of anything goes asking myself...what is noble.
Noble is defined as one distinguished by rank or title, pertaining to persons so distinguished but more importantly, a person of exalted moral or mental character or excellence. High-minded, lofty and elevated are synonyms.
Looking at this definition, yes, a woman of noble character is worth far more than rubies. By the way, a good ruby runs about $1,800 for .41ct. Yikes!
Based of of this one verse, the Proverbs 31 woman is one who makes a choice to put God first because she is high-minded. She seeks growth because she exalted mentally but even more so, she go deep into the Word, the Bible, because the way to distinguish what is moral and not is to know what God says. She seeks God because she exalted morally and because she does all of this, her husband, family, friends and the people around her count her more precious and more valuable than 150 pounds of rubies...and then some. Remember, "every good and perfect gift come from the Father of heavenly lights who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17
I am on a quest to understand, to know and to grow into the Proverbs 31 woman.
I am tired of being the "other" woman described in Proverbs to my husband and family. You know what I am talking about...
It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.
Proverbs 29:1
It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman.
Proverbs 21:19
Just to name a few!
I don't want my husband or family to characterize me this way. And if that is what I want, I need to understand her and incorporate her in my life :)
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Is my dance over?
I don't normally blog twice in a day but I felt that I could not ignore the feelings I had when I saw this video.
It was taken a year prior to my retirement from dance...so about ten years ago.
Watching it effected me. It is not often that I miss dancing. Lately my heart is stirring for it. But this video reminded me why I loved dancing.
I danced for more than 25 years of my life. A portion of that was as a professional. When it became time to leave, I was embittered by dance almost to the point of hating it. I hurt all the time, I was never thin enough. My marriage was a wreak. I blamed it all on dance.
Through several years of recovery, of course I realized it was not dance that I hated but me.
When I watch this video, I remembered why I loved it. It also saddens me. If I had used my ability to glorify God instead of myself....what more joy may I have had.
Even now, as I dance around my home with my daughter and husband I have way more joy. When I worship God and move my feet, I feel complete joy.
So, I miss you dance. Maybe we can get together in a serious way soon.
It was taken a year prior to my retirement from dance...so about ten years ago.
Watching it effected me. It is not often that I miss dancing. Lately my heart is stirring for it. But this video reminded me why I loved dancing.
I danced for more than 25 years of my life. A portion of that was as a professional. When it became time to leave, I was embittered by dance almost to the point of hating it. I hurt all the time, I was never thin enough. My marriage was a wreak. I blamed it all on dance.
Through several years of recovery, of course I realized it was not dance that I hated but me.
When I watch this video, I remembered why I loved it. It also saddens me. If I had used my ability to glorify God instead of myself....what more joy may I have had.
Even now, as I dance around my home with my daughter and husband I have way more joy. When I worship God and move my feet, I feel complete joy.
So, I miss you dance. Maybe we can get together in a serious way soon.
Thank you sir. May I have another?
Admonishment. I don't necessarily like it but I am so grateful for it.
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Wednesday, May 2, 2012
For the believing...
Miracles are amazing. I just love seeing them. That might be why I love Celebrate Recovery so much. We see miracles on Friday nights all the time.
With recent events and the current series my church is in, I feel like I am seeing miracles more and more. My eyes are open to them and my heart and mind are receptive to them.
For those of us who believe, (believe meaning faith and a synonym for obedience...think about that), miracles strengthen us. They build us up. They increase the strength of our relationship with God. Our closeness to Him. But sometimes we have a hard time seeing the miracles around us. We get so closed off, so self-centered that we lose track of them. And when we are in this place, we break relationship with God, right? I pose it as a question because it is something to think about. If we are blinded to the works God is performing around us, then we are missing God which means we may not be as intimate with Him as we should.
I remember my husband sharing a miracle with me. "He can see! He can see!" He was so excited that he had a bounce in his step and a huge smile on his face. When I heard the news, my heart did not jump. "That's great", I shared but really, I was so absorbed in my day that I missed the greatness of an amazing miracle. I was focused on me, consumed with me that I totally missed God.
This is just a reminder to...
Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith Hebrews 12:2
With recent events and the current series my church is in, I feel like I am seeing miracles more and more. My eyes are open to them and my heart and mind are receptive to them.
For those of us who believe, (believe meaning faith and a synonym for obedience...think about that), miracles strengthen us. They build us up. They increase the strength of our relationship with God. Our closeness to Him. But sometimes we have a hard time seeing the miracles around us. We get so closed off, so self-centered that we lose track of them. And when we are in this place, we break relationship with God, right? I pose it as a question because it is something to think about. If we are blinded to the works God is performing around us, then we are missing God which means we may not be as intimate with Him as we should.
I remember my husband sharing a miracle with me. "He can see! He can see!" He was so excited that he had a bounce in his step and a huge smile on his face. When I heard the news, my heart did not jump. "That's great", I shared but really, I was so absorbed in my day that I missed the greatness of an amazing miracle. I was focused on me, consumed with me that I totally missed God.
This is just a reminder to...
Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith Hebrews 12:2
Let us rejoice and praise God for what He has done and will do!
Friday, April 20, 2012
Consumed
The hardest part of recovery is seeing that your choices have brought you to where you are today.
I don't care how long you have been in recovery or actively working your recovery, (there is a difference), this is the hardest thing to face. Essential, you are seeing your denial at work inside of you for days, months, years or maybe even in your lifetime.
One of my areas of recovery relates to food. I am beginning to see that I have had a problem with food all my life. The difference was that I was younger, had a faster metabolism and highly active. As I grew into puberty, things began to change. I started to grow softer and rounder. The easiest fix seemed to be laxatives and diet pills...a diet plan I could carry into my adult life. It was normal to me but I hid it. Here a clue...if you need to hide it, you probably shouldn't do it.
What comes to mind is 1 Corinthians 6:12.
“Everything is permissible for me”—but not everything is beneficial. “Everything is permissible for me”—but I will not be mastered by anything.
I have allowed food to master me. And just like with alcoholism, the evidence is obvious. I am obese. And I hate the fact that I have allowed something to master me. Really, I have made food my idol. I have worshiped it. If I am sad, I ran to it. If I was angry, I ran to it.
A picture just popped in my mind...
I am a little girl. In the distance, I see God to my right and then to my left I see a huge plate of food. I am sad, hurting and angry and all I want is comfort. Both are calling me, who do I run to? As I am running, I see God...I see food...but as I get closer, I see the details of the food. Ice cream, candy bars, McDonald's! I don't even see God there with His arms open to me. I dive in the plate and try to hold it and hug it. Instead, it consumes me.
Food has consumed me. It has mastered me. But here is where things change. I WILL NOT BE MASTERED BY IT. I didn't know this and food doesn't know this, (I know, food can't think nor does it have a mind...well, it does if it's some kind of animal prior to being cooked. But I don't eat raw food so really it doesn't have a mind...I digress), but I have a Master and He cares about me and wants to build me up.
“So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. Matthew 6:31-33
Instead of leaving me empty after I consume, He leaves me feeling full.
Then Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty. John 6:35
He tells me not to worry about every day life. He cares about me and He will give me all that I need.
Sorry, food, I am running to the right!
I don't care how long you have been in recovery or actively working your recovery, (there is a difference), this is the hardest thing to face. Essential, you are seeing your denial at work inside of you for days, months, years or maybe even in your lifetime.
One of my areas of recovery relates to food. I am beginning to see that I have had a problem with food all my life. The difference was that I was younger, had a faster metabolism and highly active. As I grew into puberty, things began to change. I started to grow softer and rounder. The easiest fix seemed to be laxatives and diet pills...a diet plan I could carry into my adult life. It was normal to me but I hid it. Here a clue...if you need to hide it, you probably shouldn't do it.
What comes to mind is 1 Corinthians 6:12.
“Everything is permissible for me”—but not everything is beneficial. “Everything is permissible for me”—but I will not be mastered by anything.
I have allowed food to master me. And just like with alcoholism, the evidence is obvious. I am obese. And I hate the fact that I have allowed something to master me. Really, I have made food my idol. I have worshiped it. If I am sad, I ran to it. If I was angry, I ran to it.
A picture just popped in my mind...
I am a little girl. In the distance, I see God to my right and then to my left I see a huge plate of food. I am sad, hurting and angry and all I want is comfort. Both are calling me, who do I run to? As I am running, I see God...I see food...but as I get closer, I see the details of the food. Ice cream, candy bars, McDonald's! I don't even see God there with His arms open to me. I dive in the plate and try to hold it and hug it. Instead, it consumes me.
Food has consumed me. It has mastered me. But here is where things change. I WILL NOT BE MASTERED BY IT. I didn't know this and food doesn't know this, (I know, food can't think nor does it have a mind...well, it does if it's some kind of animal prior to being cooked. But I don't eat raw food so really it doesn't have a mind...I digress), but I have a Master and He cares about me and wants to build me up.
“So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. Matthew 6:31-33
Instead of leaving me empty after I consume, He leaves me feeling full.
Then Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty. John 6:35
He tells me not to worry about every day life. He cares about me and He will give me all that I need.
Sorry, food, I am running to the right!
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Got the Tuesday Blahs!
After having a night of up and down sleep, I found myself having a blah day. A day that was just, blah. And I am quite upset about that. Being in a blah day means I really didn't put my best foot forward for the whole day. It means that I wasn't giving my best. Instead, I gave...blah. Just enough to get through it, just enough to let the time slide by. And worse, my attitude was blah too. When I find myself in a blah mood, I usually and not at my kindest, most gentle, loving self. I get irritated, judgmental and annoyed quite easily.
It was dinner where everything changed.As we were enjoying the meal, Penny pointed to our family verse on the wall.
"Do you want me to read it to you?", I asked.
"Yes Mommy!"
"Ok...Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourself with compassion, kindness, gentleness, humility and patience."
Ugh. At that moment I realized why the day was blah. I didn't put my clothes on. I didn't put on kindness or gentleness. I really made a choice in my attitude and because I chose nothing, I produced nothing. I effectively wasted precious hours hanging in my mood. Ugh! I hate those realizations.
Starting now, I choose compassion and kindness. I chose to wear humility and patience, binding them all together with love.
Looking forward to a great night sleep :)
It was dinner where everything changed.As we were enjoying the meal, Penny pointed to our family verse on the wall.
"Do you want me to read it to you?", I asked.
"Yes Mommy!"
"Ok...Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourself with compassion, kindness, gentleness, humility and patience."
Ugh. At that moment I realized why the day was blah. I didn't put my clothes on. I didn't put on kindness or gentleness. I really made a choice in my attitude and because I chose nothing, I produced nothing. I effectively wasted precious hours hanging in my mood. Ugh! I hate those realizations.
Starting now, I choose compassion and kindness. I chose to wear humility and patience, binding them all together with love.
Looking forward to a great night sleep :)
Thursday, February 16, 2012
meChurch...Glad it doesn't exist!
During my shower this morning, I started thinking about this video and giggling.
It absolutely cracks me up. But it is kind of true, isn't it? We want a God who suits us and our needs and is cool with what we want to do. I call it Burger King church: Have it Your Way!
But it doesn't work that way and that's good.
Jesus said, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me." Luke 9:23
Also, Paul says,"I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out" Romans 7:18
Sinful nature can boil down to doing things our way according to our agenda.
My daughter needs rules and perimeters. If I slack on enforcing them, she gets out of control. If I allowed her to do whatever she wanted, the house would be destroyed, I would have no books in tact and my walls would be covered with her amazing artwork.
Denying yourself isn't a bad thing. If I didn't, I would be 800lbs, drunk and angry all the time!
Seriously, I would!
The great thing is God has a whole book that we can read that tell us what is great for us and what is not so good and what is deadly to us.
Watch out Oprah, my book club just started.
First book: The Bible
Now look under your chairs, you won a new car!
Nope, no new car but wouldn't that have been cool. How about this...
Put God first, read this book and apply it to your life and you will feel BETTER than winning a new car. New cars get old...new life is eternal!
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Death and Restoration
Whitney has died. We are not sure how, but there is speculation that she drowned in her bathtub. Various pills were supposedly found. Died so young. 48 is young. A life entangled in drug abuse. Her family grieves and mourns. So young.
Yesterday, Dan received a letter welcoming him into the fellowship of the Assemblies of God as a minster.
A package was labeled, Reverend Daniel Moorhead.
The grief of Whitney's family is not lost on me. I understand it and feared it for years. Almost six years ago, I believed that my husband would die. That I would lose him forever, too young to alcohol. There seemed to be no hope. He was dying in front of me. When you see a man who is 6'1 and weighs a total of 150...with his clothes on...you are seeing death.
That night I gave up. There was no hope for our marriage. No hope for his life. And I didn't want to watch him die. I had made decisions. God, I am done.
Enter God...
The next day while I was at work, my husband called. He was going to Florida for rehab.
You see, that night...that very night he called to God. He said heal me or kill me. He awoke to the phone book opened to a rehab in Florida. Florida? We are in Vegas! God sent him to Florida. Showed him how his life could or could not be. He surrendered. Now he is receiving letters addressed to Reverend Moorhead.
God can use, restore, resurrect, reignite, inflame, insight, change, overwhelm, expose, heal, reduce, rebuild, remake....ANYTHING OR ANYONE. You just need to be willing. "Ask and you will receive. Seek and you will find. Knock and the door will be open to you."
My heart breaks. Such talent. Gone. I pray this tragedy is used to change lives for the better. I pray for her grieving family.
Let's knock...
Yesterday, Dan received a letter welcoming him into the fellowship of the Assemblies of God as a minster.
A package was labeled, Reverend Daniel Moorhead.
The grief of Whitney's family is not lost on me. I understand it and feared it for years. Almost six years ago, I believed that my husband would die. That I would lose him forever, too young to alcohol. There seemed to be no hope. He was dying in front of me. When you see a man who is 6'1 and weighs a total of 150...with his clothes on...you are seeing death.
That night I gave up. There was no hope for our marriage. No hope for his life. And I didn't want to watch him die. I had made decisions. God, I am done.
Enter God...
The next day while I was at work, my husband called. He was going to Florida for rehab.
You see, that night...that very night he called to God. He said heal me or kill me. He awoke to the phone book opened to a rehab in Florida. Florida? We are in Vegas! God sent him to Florida. Showed him how his life could or could not be. He surrendered. Now he is receiving letters addressed to Reverend Moorhead.
God can use, restore, resurrect, reignite, inflame, insight, change, overwhelm, expose, heal, reduce, rebuild, remake....ANYTHING OR ANYONE. You just need to be willing. "Ask and you will receive. Seek and you will find. Knock and the door will be open to you."
My heart breaks. Such talent. Gone. I pray this tragedy is used to change lives for the better. I pray for her grieving family.
Let's knock...
Friday, January 27, 2012
A Glorious Orchestration
Met someone this week for the first time and I can't get her out of my heart or my head. I find myself praying like crazy for this stranger...now friend. Her brokenness breaks my heart. As I spoke to her, I could see her heart. In those moments, when you can see past the walls, barriers, masks, denial, illusions and whatever tactics we believe hide who we really are, I believe God blesses us with the ability to see someone how He sees them. Hurting, broken and lost.
When I think of her, I think of the Parable of the Lost Sheep. Before Jesus tells it, big time religious leaders who think they know more than God...literally...say, “This man welcomes sinners and eats with them.” So you know an awesome parable is going to follow!
Then Jesus told them this parable: “Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent. Luke 15:3-7
My new friend, lost sheep. God loves her so much that in recent days He has orchestrated several events to bring her back. To open her eyes. To soften her heart. That's what He does.
He brings people: friends and strangers
He brings things into motion: amazing mountain tops or allows us to hit rock bottom
He brings insight and opens the eyes of our hearts
Think about it in your life. Is He doing this now? Or maybe He did and its time to thank Him. I can think of a billion times He did it mine. Brought people in my wide lost path to give me directions to get back on the right path. Even when I was dumb, drunk, drugged and dumb. Yeah...I said dumb twice. It was that bad!
He loves you that much too. He may be trying to tell you something now. Soften your heart. Open your eyes. So He can put you on His shoulders and say, "Rejoice with me; I found my lost sheep."
When I think of her, I think of the Parable of the Lost Sheep. Before Jesus tells it, big time religious leaders who think they know more than God...literally...say, “This man welcomes sinners and eats with them.” So you know an awesome parable is going to follow!
Then Jesus told them this parable: “Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent. Luke 15:3-7
My new friend, lost sheep. God loves her so much that in recent days He has orchestrated several events to bring her back. To open her eyes. To soften her heart. That's what He does.
He brings people: friends and strangers
He brings things into motion: amazing mountain tops or allows us to hit rock bottom
He brings insight and opens the eyes of our hearts
Think about it in your life. Is He doing this now? Or maybe He did and its time to thank Him. I can think of a billion times He did it mine. Brought people in my wide lost path to give me directions to get back on the right path. Even when I was dumb, drunk, drugged and dumb. Yeah...I said dumb twice. It was that bad!
He loves you that much too. He may be trying to tell you something now. Soften your heart. Open your eyes. So He can put you on His shoulders and say, "Rejoice with me; I found my lost sheep."
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