Groundhog's Day

After taking time to reflect on retreat, I realized that my personal circumstances were the same as last year. Both this year and last year I was healing from a miscarriage. Last year, I gave birth to Phoebe Mae at 20 weeks though she was only 18 weeks. And this year I miscarried at seven weeks with a blighted ovum...a yoke sac with no baby.
I have received so much healing from all my miscarriages. I say all because I have had three total: March 17, 2011 Sept 17, 2011 and now Sept 19, 2012. Despite these circumstances, and after opening my heart wide open to God and expressing my true feelings regardless of how ugly they were, u have so much hope. It required me to get real with God. If He is my friend and He knows what is in my heart, there is no way I can heal if I don't speak out how I truly feel and allow myself to be raw and transparent with God.
A woman this weekend asked about my joy...how do you have that joy. Well, looking back on how far God has taken me, the joy I have is from remembering His promises despite how terrible things may be. Also, it requires remembering memorials: He brought me through my addictions including bulimia. He was with me while my husband was in rehab. He comforted me during my pregnancy with Penny and possible issues. He restored my body over and over through a series of miracles. He knows the tears I've cried. He had seen my heart break. He has provided for ever financial need I have. And though I feel sometimes like I am invisible to Him, unlovable and worse, He gently reminds me that He sees me and He loves me in amazing supernatural and tangible ways, like this weekend.
Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 NIV)
Through several loving sister this weekend I was reminded of this and I am grateful for the good and the bad. It fertilizes my joy.